Sunday, January 9, 2022

the sad season

Sometimes, our favorite stories have a moment that's really great and a few slower, harder plot lines for balance. I'm in one of the sad seasons. It may take awhile longer, too.

This blog has seen my understanding shift and change, while God remains faithful and unchanging. I'm grateful for the essays from my younger self. The insight into challenges and victories, before the aftermath and analysis. So, as another year begins, I'm ready for a continuation of the sad storyline. I'm learning (always, learning) that an eternal God has no need for a consumer timeline. Instead, I can lie my head in the dust and be young for awhile longer.

I can weep and mourn. I can rend my garments over oppression and injustice. I can grieve personal losses. There is no requirement for me to be happy. There is no precedent for a life of worldly blessing. Instead, Jesus and those who wrote the letters to the Church agree: joy is powerful through suffering. I'm done "taking the edge off" of suffering. I'm ready to worship in grief.

A sermon today about grief challenges me to rest deeply into this sadness that haunts my soul. This could have been the month we welcomed a baby into our homes, but instead, it's the 8th month anniversary of a series of chemotherapy shots in Tacoma. It's the reminder of 13 blood draws that registered "pregnant" even after 3 ultrasounds couldn't locate fetal tissue developing anywhere in my reproductive system. 

The Bible is not bereft of these stories, even if the Flannelgrams sanitize the struggle of fertility for Evangelical children like me. I wonder if Sarai tracked her cycles as she watched the moon day and night. I no longer judge Rachel stealing a fertility idol from her father's wealthy household, as I research supplements and vitamins and diets late at night. I know that Rachel and Leah despised one another so much that they each found new mates for their shared husband. I understand Hannah's pleading, Elisabeth's disbelief, and the wailing of every mother in Ramah. These saints have offered their fellowship of suffering to every woman. These are my mothers in the Faith. Each willing to share a "Cry for awhile."

I'm done medicating this sadness. I'm ready to feel every twinge of grief, allow the Holy Spirit to tenderly repair every torn corner of my body and soul. This joy is so potent it allows sadness to co-exist. That's the beauty of hope. Real hope acknowledges the depth of despair and meets you there. 

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Ephesians 5

Therefore, be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live in love, just as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. But among you there must not be either sexual immorality, impurity of any kind, or greed, as these are not fitting for the saints. Neither should there be vulgar speech, foolish talk, or coarse jesting – all of which are out of character – but rather thanksgiving. For you can be confident of this one thing: that no person who is immoral, impure, or greedy (such a person is an idolater) has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Let nobody deceive you with empty words, for because of these things God’s wrath comes on the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them, for you were at one time darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light – for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth – and find out what pleases the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For the things they do in secret are shameful even to mention. But all things being exposed by the light are made evident. For everything made evident is light, and for this reason it says:

“Awake, O sleeper!

Rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you!”

Therefore be very careful how you live – not as unwise but as wise, taking advantage of every opportunity, because the days are evil. For this reason do not be foolish, but be wise by understanding what the Lord’s will is. And do not get drunk with wine, which is debauchery, but be filled by the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music in your hearts to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for each other in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church – he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the word, so that he may present the church to himself as glorious – not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is great – but I am actually speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

hey guys