Sunday, May 8, 2022

another liminal mother's day

 My husband did everything to make today a perfect Mother's Day. He entertained our son for an extra hour this morning, so I could wake up when I was ready. He greeted me at the stairs with a list of chores already accomplished and a delicious decaf mocha, while bacon sizzled on the cast iron skillet. We coached our little Love to call and wish grandma's a "Happy Mother's Day" over breakfast and the world was perfect for a morning.

It's still hard, though. 

This is the third Mother's Day in a row that I am pregnant. This time, at least, I've seen the tiny human with his swift heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. I've taken blood tests that rule out a number of genetic abnormalities, with no symptoms or indicators that anything is wrong. But, then again, there was no indication that anything was wrong on Mother's Day 2020 or Mother's Day 2021. 

I'm struggling to accept that this baby currently nestled deep within me could join either set of siblings. While I dream and pray he chooses to join my four-year-old currently playing in the back yard, I am painfully aware that he could still join his siblings wherever they are in liminal space. I hold this child tightly in my heart and prayers, but loosely in plans and expectations.

Bloodwork tells us that this little one is a boy, so we named him to make him feel more real. His name is old, like I assume his soul will be: a variation of an ancient Hebrew name for a little brother that means "God is listening." His middle name honors a grandpa who started the legacy of adoption in our little family history, welcoming a little girl who grew to welcome a little baby who now is my husband. Our four-year-old insists though his real name is "Monster Truck Semi Truck." Either way, giving this little one a name helps me begin to believe that I could ever meet him.

I reflect on Psalm 139 and consider the mystery contained within the potential of my son, this child. I want him to make it. I'm doing all that I'm able to keep him developing and growing safely within me. And yet, I can't stop a freak accident at work, where a basketball hit my belly. I can't change my genetic tendencies to process folate that could be responsible for my last five pregnancy losses. I can't change the parade of strangers, friends and family inviting the COVID virus into my home, renewing the anxiety that can also kill my baby. And I can't stop the bad theology that Christians won't stop preaching about abortion. I can only reflect on how good God must be to make life, at all.

This is the fifth Mother's Day that I've identified as a mother. The first one was hard for different reasons: my eight day old baby was eating every hour, we went to church for the first time, and I was recovering from the first major surgery of my life. The second one was crazy, as we were living in a friend's vacation rental and frantically trying to close on a new home (ironically unaware of the liminal groundwork being laid in our hearts.) The next were marked by cautiously hopeful pregnancies, where things appeared to be lining up after loss though each clouded with the shadow of the pandemic. So here we are in 2022: learning to seek God in the liminal.

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Ephesians 5

Therefore, be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live in love, just as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. But among you there must not be either sexual immorality, impurity of any kind, or greed, as these are not fitting for the saints. Neither should there be vulgar speech, foolish talk, or coarse jesting – all of which are out of character – but rather thanksgiving. For you can be confident of this one thing: that no person who is immoral, impure, or greedy (such a person is an idolater) has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Let nobody deceive you with empty words, for because of these things God’s wrath comes on the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them, for you were at one time darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light – for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth – and find out what pleases the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For the things they do in secret are shameful even to mention. But all things being exposed by the light are made evident. For everything made evident is light, and for this reason it says:

“Awake, O sleeper!

Rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you!”

Therefore be very careful how you live – not as unwise but as wise, taking advantage of every opportunity, because the days are evil. For this reason do not be foolish, but be wise by understanding what the Lord’s will is. And do not get drunk with wine, which is debauchery, but be filled by the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music in your hearts to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for each other in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church – he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the word, so that he may present the church to himself as glorious – not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is great – but I am actually speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

hey guys