Tuesday, November 1, 2022

Tender All Saints Day Reflection

 Just a few days ago, our last baby made his way into Earth, alive. Today was the day we were expecting him, so I was prepared for a tender All Saints Day. I had planned for my first day away from work to be Halloween, a day to reflect on the losses that led us to this moment.

Instead,  he safely arrived early Thursday morning. My heart could rest for a moment. Littlest love sleeping contently on my chest, secure in the promise that God listens.

My little love has created a mantra during the tenuous last months of this pregnancy. 

"I was your first baby?" he starts. 

"Yep, you were." I reply.

"And this baby is your last baby?"

"Yes, he is."

"And all your other babies died," he affirms quietly.


It's a solemn reminder of the souls we've lost in the last four years of our family's journey. My child is aware of and impacted by loss in a healthier way than I am, reciting and repeating an oral family history as a way to process the way our family is different from so many others we know. I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch him grow as a brother. I'm anxious, though, too.

Three years ago yesterday was the morning of my first abortion procedure. I required medical intervention when my body refused to let go of our sweet Whisper. I've done so much work this year to trust that God continues to have a plan through this persistent pain, even when thoughtless comments from families and strangers invalidate the grief of losing our middle five children. I was ready to dive into the maelstrom of these emotions today, with a scheduled C-section at the hospital named for the defender of virgins.

Instead, I woke my family up for an early trip to the local clinic to take our 5-day-old addition for bloodwork. I struggle to accept this littlest one is really OK, trying to extract the most time with him every day. Every grumpy face. Every squeak and squeal. Every snuggle or hour awake in the deep of the night, I ponder these moments inside my heart.

Two days of doctors visits, carrying a carseat through the lobby of a crowded medical center has taken my anxiety and turned it up again. I want to shelter and protect my child from the dangers of the world in ways that I could not protect my middle children inside me. Already this littlest one is a fighter like his brother. He is blissfully unaware of the struggles before him, though I'm sure big brother will continue to share the family history in ways they both can understand.

Healing from a major surgery brings additional triggers, as clot after clot reinforces the painful experience of grief. I cling to hope, not in my littlest one sleeping beside me, but in the very blood of the Eucharist. Struggling to feed my newborn each night, I find inspiration in the same Eucharist: allowing God to use my body to feed the body of my child; reflecting on my helplessness and need for the Body of Christ to create and continue my own very life.

So, this All Saints Day, I can weep and rejoice with the complexity of life in Christ. I can give these big feelings room to rest and develop, space to ferment and mature. I can hold my family with grace, but set firm boundaries in place.

Praise God who loves us. Praise God who listens. Help me remember those who love God well, following their examples of obedience and perseverance. Help me join in the fellowship of Christ's suffering, finding joy.

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Ephesians 5

Therefore, be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live in love, just as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. But among you there must not be either sexual immorality, impurity of any kind, or greed, as these are not fitting for the saints. Neither should there be vulgar speech, foolish talk, or coarse jesting – all of which are out of character – but rather thanksgiving. For you can be confident of this one thing: that no person who is immoral, impure, or greedy (such a person is an idolater) has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Let nobody deceive you with empty words, for because of these things God’s wrath comes on the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them, for you were at one time darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light – for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth – and find out what pleases the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For the things they do in secret are shameful even to mention. But all things being exposed by the light are made evident. For everything made evident is light, and for this reason it says:

“Awake, O sleeper!

Rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you!”

Therefore be very careful how you live – not as unwise but as wise, taking advantage of every opportunity, because the days are evil. For this reason do not be foolish, but be wise by understanding what the Lord’s will is. And do not get drunk with wine, which is debauchery, but be filled by the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music in your hearts to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for each other in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church – he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the word, so that he may present the church to himself as glorious – not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is great – but I am actually speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

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