book review

I love reading.

And I love having time to read!!

Some of our dear family friends gave me a book for Christmas called "Feminine Appeal" by Carolyn Mahaney. What great insights into the human condition, and especially the female heart! I read the whole book today, mostly at the Global Bean coffee shop.

It's not very often that a book makes me cry, but this book exposed the emotions and intentions of my heart so clearly. Vignettes of joy and struggle helped strengthen my fragile faith that God will work out each detail of our lives.

For example, in a chapter about the virtue of kindness, Mahaney writes:

"It is helpful to ask the question, 'What do I want more than I want to please God?' Then we must confess and repent from these evil desires. This requires humility, but we have God's pledge that He will give grace to the humble (James 4:6) He will help us turn form anger and cultivate kindness." (p. 121)

Thanks RJ & Peachey, for insisting that I read this book!

arrows

At church, there's this catch phrase "arrows out."

The idea is that if you're focused on yourself, your arrows are in. You'll crash and burn in your selfishness. But, if your arrows are out, you are focused on loving, following, pleasing God. It's easier to love people if you're not only focused on yourself, too.

The other night I was having coffee with a friend. We were talking about some problems in our small group. Talking about life. More like, complaining, actually. I realized how much easier it is to spot selfishness in other people! All of these people in our lives were making dumb choices that hurt themselves, hurt us, and made life miserable.

So, to correct the route of our conversation, we came up with a twist on the church catchphrase. An attitude check, of sorts:

"Pull your arrows out of your butt and love Jesus."

I'm sure it's not in the Bible like that. But for now, it's sticky enough to keep my attitude in check.

heart for the broken

Somewhere back in Genesis, we broke the world.

We broke God's rule. We broke God's heart. We broke our present and our future. Now, we live in the consequences. The aftermath.

I've been praying for a heart that breaks. In this broken world, I want to be moved with the same compassion that brought Jesus to earth. That's the point of Christmas, in a way.

So, I try to listen. I try to be understanding as students open up about broken families this Christmas. I try to be patient when friends reveal the pain of consequences. I try not to judge strangers who share stories of sin, bitterness, and hurt.

But really, it's not about me at all. It's finding the heart of Christ, broken already.

Praying for you, friends.

then what

My car is fixed. My life is moved back into my apartment. Michelle and I decorated every room for Christmas. There's a fire in the fireplace. There are candles on the coffee table. There is fresh snow in the mountains, and clear skies to enjoy them by. Each morning this week has showcased a beautiful sunrise. Each evening, the sunset paints the entire sky.

God is good.

Every barrier to my attitude improving has been shattered by God's faithfulness. Now what?

are we there yet?

Dear God,

Please fix my car.

I would really really like to use it. Soon.

I already use it for the mission. In fact, that's what I was doing when it broke.

Soon would be good,

Laura

the work hazards of a Jesus Lover

So I was chatting with a friend from Moscow on facebook, and she helped me see the beauty of the mission Christ calls us to. My friend is a highschool student, trying to figure out what God's got in store for her life. I told her we should focus on being Jesus-Lovers. Ultimately, that's the only occupation where I'll ever be content.

Talking about car accidents and rain and how much the rain sucks, she asked the obvious question: "Why do you live in Bremerton?"

That's the beauty of the mission.

I live in Bremerton because that's where I'm most on Christ's mission. It's a work hazard, sure. But it's worth it! Every moment is worth it. And I better improve this attitude, FAST!

So when I need a reminder of this beautiful mission:

J

How do you know when its God tellin you your plans and not just peer presure

9:51pmLaura

in my case, I wanted to marry Karl and live in Pullman, but God wanted something even better

9:52pmJ

that must have been hard

9:52pmLaura

so, we called off the wedding and I cried ALOT

like ALOT

but then, God created a series of opportunities for me to walk through leading me back to Bremerton

I prayed alot and sought counsel from wiser people than myself, like my Mom and Sharon and Christa and Robyn and Mrs. Busby and a whole mess of other people

9:53pmJ

maybe that's the place to be

too many names to count

9:53pmLaura

but, when I landed back home, I had this sense of peace that I was actually where God wanted me to be.

haha yeah, proverbs talks about wisdom in the presence of many counselors

it hasn't been easy living in bremerton, especially when I love Pullman & Moscow so much, but it's where God wants me for now

content

The last two weeks, I keep thinking about Paul writing to the Phillipians: "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." --Phil 2:14

Obviously, I need to learn this secret. And I'm not there yet. But, in the spirit of student-led conferences, I'm setting this goal: I will be content in any and every situation.

Even if...it takes 2-5 business days for my new phone to be "overnight shipped".

Even if...it takes another week or so for the parts to come in for my car.

Even if...I lose the freedom of driving myself to work.

Even if...I have to spend 14 hours at school.

Even if...I have to change and cancel plans.

Because, when it comes down to it, I'm still well fed and living in plenty. It's really inconvenient to lose my car and phone, but its just not the end of the world. There's a lot of more important things to spend time and energy complaining about, even.

Hopefully God fixes my attitude thoroughly. I'd rather not learn this lesson again.

make it go away

I've decided the rain sucks.

Now that I've officially stated my position on the weather, maybe life can continue on. Maybe I can focus on the important things, like living the Gospel and talking about God. Maybe I can use some precious time to enjoy the family I've been given. Maybe I can practice loving the beautiful people in my life.

But it really sucks to have so much rain. It never even got light out today!

There's this struggle in my heart, that maybe God doesn't understand why I just can't live here! Maybe He's lost count of how many days it's rained! Maybe He's forgotten to let the sun shine through.

Still, I realize that I'm more likely the one who forgets. A quick search on the word "rain" brings up this succinct promise:

"The LORD will open for you His good storehouse, the heavens, to give rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hand; and you shall lend to many nations, but you shall not borrow." Deuteronomy 28:12 NASB

humility

• Living at home for the next while.
• Lost my cell phone.
• Car is in a body shop in Tacoma.
• My parents drop me off at school, then pick me up when the buses arrive.

I think God's trying to teach me some things.

mountain refuge

God knew I couldn't take the rain anymore. That's why our youth leadership summit in Leavenworth came at a perfect time. After driving for 5 hours, we eventually ended up in the Christmas-themed Bavarian wonderland. There's snow. It makes me so happy.

We've been focusing on 2Chronicles 29 this week, a chapter of the Bible that resonates with my reformer heart. Our directors have been passionately challenging everyone on our team to "clean out the temples" of our lives, of our team, of our community. There's been some sweet times of confession, of repentance, of embracing forgiveness. The battle is not close to being complete, but we are confidently on the side of Christ.

This afternoon, I had the opportunity to share my heart for serving our high schoolers. They're our future. They're a very big deal. God desires each high school student to have the opportunity to hear about His salvation, about His faithfulness. He weeps for them. He died for them.

The least that I can do is inspire others to love. Not just high school students, but everybody. But.. that means I have to love, too. Like, as an example.

And of course, the benefits always outweigh the cost. The stories of how God is moving, how God has moved, how God is victorious. They're epic novels. What a blessed refuge in these mountains.

On top of all of this, I read Proverbs 14 today, per our Proverb-a-day challenge. Wisdom sure is sweet stuff! The verse that grabbed my heart, though:

"In the fear of the LORD there is strong confidence, And His children will have refuge." Proverbs 14:26 NASB

While retreats are great and I ALWAYS love spending time in the mountain, it's comforting to know that there is always refuge in the LORD. If I fear Him, I can be confident in His plan at the same time. He is refuge, our hope. He is faithful.

And just for good measure...

"But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, That I may tell of all Your works." Psalms 73:28

This is the God I like talking about. This is the God I desire to please.

ps 24

Psalm 24 talks about the Earth belonging to God. Everything in it. Every part of it.

So, it finally stopped raining today. There are still dark storm clouds hiding the mountains, but every once in awhile, you can see the fresh snow that's hugging the higher peaks. This belongs to God.

The pile of green Science 9 tests in front of me are God's too. They belong to God. The students who wrote on them, they belong to God, too.

Just like the clouds keep breaking, I keep catching glimpses of God's bigger purpose here. Everything is His.

Even the exams.

Even the rainclouds.

before the crash

Today has evolved into an anti-social day.

This morning, I woke up to sun breaks after a pretty violent wind and rainstorm last night. I headed to a coffee shop in town to have a quiet time of solitude. Texted some friends for their prayer requests. Spent some time reading the Bible.

Then, as the day wears on I watch my attitude slip from "stellar" to "sucky".

Taking the ferry to Seattle this afternoon, my attitude was under attack. Memories haunted each corner of the car deck. What better day than Halloween to deal with your ghosts, I guess.

I met up with my parents at the ferry dock to show them around Pioneer square. (They'd spent the afternoon meeting up with John at REI and were getting ready to leave Seattle). The parking meter wouldn't give me a receipt and I almost burst into tears. Luckily, Dad is pretty level-headed and saw another meter around the corner. Crisis averted.

I've always hated November. Life gets so busy just before the Holidays. And, at least in Kitsap, the weather consistently is miserable. I feel that my attitude is right on the edge. Moments away from temptation, from mistakes, from weeping. November is always the time when the ground falls out from underneath.

Maybe this November will be different. But, if today is any indication, I feel like I'm in the slow-motion moment of life--right before the crash.

marriage invasion

Entering the season of life where everyone is getting married (hyperbole, of course) I've been noticing just how many sermons are about marriage.

Por examplo,

200910251115HWC21ASAAA_MattChandler_ThePathPt07-SanctificationInMarriage.mp3

http://www.newlifekitsap.com/2009/10/kings-queens-03-the-prince-the-princess-2/.

It's almost like God's trying to prepare my heart for something...

Seriously, though. What a blessed season of life! I won't always be able to spend every evening meeting with fellow sojourners of the mission. There will come a day when I can't focus completely on the 150 kids in my classroom, when I can't grade quizzes during a Grey's Anatomy marathon. Some day, I'll have to cook with more than just a microwave.

But, in the meantime, I'm going to fall asleep listening to podcasts. God's growing my heart to be a woman completely filled by His mission. Satisfied.

four lists

From my notebook over the last seven days:

What breaks my heart

• People who feel alone
• Injustice to children
• Physical abuse
• Wasted opportunities
• Abandoned relationships (especially between parents and children)
• Hearts hardened to the Gospel
• Idolatry in my own life
• Watching loved ones make poor choices

What irritates me:

• Flaky people
• Students who don't study
• Gas that costs more than $3.00 a gallon. Seriously?
• Dark and cloudy winters
• Internet going out
• Poor listeners
• Snooze button (and how often I use it)
• Poor communicators
• Ambiguity
• Guys who ask you out over text messages.

What excites me:

• Hiking (anywhere)
• Starting a new task
• Impossible challenges
• Potential in others
• Good musicians
• Seeing old friends after a long absence
• Being in love
• Sharing the story of my life and what God's done

What gives me hope:

• New believers being baptized
• Compassion projects
• Prophecies
• 50-year wedding anniversaries
• Students sharing the Gospel
• Seeing the mountains when the clouds break
• Parents invested in their children
• Reading the Bible
• Hot cocoa by the fire

Challenge

Last Wednesday night, we were talking about resisting temptations at youth group. At the end of our discussion time, I posed a question: "What is our action point going to be this week?"

One of the students immediately replied, "Read from the book of James every day in order to apply God's word and resist temptation."

Everyone looked around, leaders and students, and decided that it was a challenge we would choose to take. The students were passionately confident that if everyone took the challenge, we would have amazing stories of God's goodness to share next Wednesday. Such faith.

Today, I'm taking Sabbath at the coffee shop by the school. I just read James chapter 3, where it says:

"3:13 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct he should show his works done in the gentleness that wisdom brings. ²¹ 3:14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfishness in your hearts, do not boast and tell lies against the truth. 3:15 Such ²² wisdom does not come ²³ from above but is earthly, natural, ²⁴ demonic. 3:16 For where there is jealousy and selfishness, there is disorder and every evil practice. 3:17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, accommodating, ²⁵ full of mercy and good fruit, ²⁶ impartial, and not hypocritical. ²⁷ 3:18 And the fruit that consists of righteousness ²⁸ is planted ²⁹ in peace among ³⁰ those who make peace." (courtesy netbible, http://bible.org )

The challenge within the Scripture is even greater than the challenge to read the Scriptures. It will be interesting on Wednesday to see what God's been doing in the lives of teenagers in our community.

toil and meaning

Every Thursday night I hang out with some girlfriends to read the book of Ecclesiastes. We just finished up chapter 3 last night.

If I were to rewrite the beginning of chapter 3 at this season of life, it would go something like this:

"There is a time for everything,

A time for lectures and a time for labs

A time for sleeping and a time for waking (5:40 am)

A time for working and a time for hiking

A time for hoping and a time for weeping

A time for assigning and a time for grading

A time for listening and a time for advising

A time for sharing and a time keeping to yourself"

In the end, not much of this matters. Like, the tests and labs I keep grading... pretty meaningless. There's some eternal stuff going down, though. That's the stuff to focus on!

go deep

This morning I went to a meeting of all the small group leaders at our church. We talked about what's important in creating a group environment to welcome, uphold, challenge and grow people. We read Scripture. We prayed. We drank coffee. I won a painting.

In the last 15 minutes, one of the lead pastors gave a quick wrap-up speech. He challenged us to do 2 things as leaders. Number 1: Go deep with Jesus. Get to know Him. Get to live like Him, to love Him, to look like Him. Number 2: Go deep with your culture. Get to know it. Share the Gospel through it, not against it.

It's like he spoke the anthem of my heart this year. This is exactly what God told me in Barahona. To be a good leader, a Christ-lover, I need to be completely surrendered to Christ. To be a good missionary, I need to be fluent in my culture. It helps that this is my native culture, my normal.

The challenge stands. The adventure continues. Pray for Barahona. Pray for Kitsap.

community

God willing, I'm driving to Post Falls, ID tomorrow night. My church family in Pullman is having their annual women's retreat. My heart is excited to spend time with this community that's helped me grow in Christ.

Acts 2:42-47

sophomore

I love being a second year teacher. Everything in life seems a little easier the second time around.

I have some background to draw from, some sense of normal. Every day is still full of surprises. Challenges. But I have some reaction strategies now.

My "trust tattoo" is sharpied onto my left hand again, a topic of discussion in every one of my classes today. Staff members even asked me about it today in the lunch room. Whenever I catch myself in an attitude of doubting God's power, or His plan, I write "TRUST" on my hand as a visual reminder.

So, what if trust were like being a sophomore? What if experience makes it easier to trust? I know God is faithful and will continue to be.

In theory, there should come a time when "TRUST" is no longer written on my hand. Someday, I hope its written on my heart.

milagros

So, I think that's the Spanish word for "miracle".

A miracle foremost on my mind lately: God has given me a heart for Kitsap county. And not a pity vote kind of heart. Full-on passion and desire to live here, work here, grow here, serve here. (Here being Kitsap, of course.)

Tonight I'm actually at my old house in Pullman, meeting with friends. Even more confirmation that God has asked me to live and love in Kitsap county.

This past year really sucked and I would not want to live it over again. Still, I am grateful to have lived it (especially to have survived it!) I can rejoice in the love of our faithful Father. His plans are always greater than our own.

Processing

I’ve been “home” in the states for 3 days now.
So far, I’ve been blessed with hours to enjoy relationships with friends and family. Wednesday night I was able to reconnect with my church family at the weekly gathering of our junior/senior high youth group. It’s been a constant flood of coffee dates, movies, drinks at the bar, and chance meetings every since. I praise God for the wealth of relationships here and in the Dominican Republic.
It’s hard not to judge American culture. Today, while waiting for staff to show up at the COTN Seattle office, I spent some time (and $$) at Westlake Center. The contrast of wealth and poverty is excruciating. Homeless beggars sit outside the high-end boutiques, alternately grinning and swearing, all asking for food, smokes, and spare change. The situation is eerily similar to the “3rd world” or “extreme” poverty of Barahona. And yet, none of the shoppers or tourists today seemed to notice.
In a few days, I’ll head back to the classroom to prepare for the new school year. My experience this summer reaffirmed the call that God’s placed on my heart to teach junior high in Silverdale. But, it’s also revealed a deep need to rest, first. Right now, I’m tempted to feel guilty about these few days “for myself.” Today, for instance, I’ve spent driving around Seattle drinking coffee and running into old friends. It’s part of the bigger picture. Before I can prepare my classroom, I have to let God prepare my heart.

lessons

I have learned a lot of things this summer:

• To force flush a toilet.
• To communicate with wild hand gestures and facial expressions.
• To pray without ceasing.
• To intentionally carve out times of solitude.
• To wait and see what happens when it appears that no one knows what's going on.
• To never speak poorly of others.
• To make fried cheese, fried plantains, fried yucca, etc.
• To trust that God's plan is better than mine.
• To ride side saddle on a motorcycle.
• To have high hopes and low expectations.
• To value relationship over accomplishments.
• To rest and enjoy.

I'm excited to come home and apply these lessons to my American life. Part of my heart will stay here in Barahona, though. It's been a great summer.

simple truth

"And without faith it is impossible to please the Lord." Hebrews 11:6

I read the whole book of Hebrews on Saturday during an extended time of "quiet" at the mission house. (We had roughly 20 hours between different teams of 30 some people living here.) Anyways, this verse made me stop completely. I memorized it back in my AWANA days, but forgot the direct connection to Eph 5:10.

Later that night, I climbed onto the roof of our house to watch the sunset. WOW! The sunrises and sunsets here are phenomenal. Julie lent me her iPod to listen to sermons from her home church in Orlando. Sure enough, the sermon focused on Hebrews 11:6... (Summit Church, Orlando, FL, 7/26/09)

Some ideas floating around in my brain:

• Faith is trusting that God wins
• Faith is trusting that God´s ways are beyond my understanding
• Faith is not beneficial, rather necessary
• Faith is confidence in God´s will

Yesterday at church, I was asked to teach Sunday school to 20 some highschool boys. Having faith, I said "si". We talked about Hebrews 11, of course. The insights of the students were encouraging and challenging. In my limited Spanish, I asked "¿Que es la fe?" or "What is faith?" The students answered in various ways that faith is knowing God is the best.

This week, I know I will need a lot of faith. As we wrap up our time in Barahona, I am tempted to measure "success" of our projects. But faith trusts that God´s work is always in progress and will be completed in its own time. Faith trusts that each intern, staff member, and child in this city is securely in God´s hand.

This is my take on the simple truth of Hebrews 11:6.

¿Donde está mi Biblia?

Life has reached a crazy hectic pace that I´d been anticipating all summer. There have been many trials of patience, learning to trust and wait. There have been many opportunities to grow as a leader, by example and by speaking in truth.

The other day, I was reading in Hebrews in order to catch up with my small group Bible study back in Poulsbo. As I read chapter 5, a few verses captured my attention. The author writes about high priests, or leaders:
"Every high priest is selected from among men, and is appointed to represent them in matters related to God, to offer gifts and sacrifices for sins. He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness. This is why he has to offer sacrifices for his own sins, as well as for the sins of the people." Hebrews 5:1-3 NIV

I´m grateful that God has only called me to be an intern leader and a youth pastor, not a high priest.For more than a year now, God has been teaching me how to be gentle. I didn´t realize how important it was for leaders to be gentle until I read this passage yesterday. In my "position" this summer, there have been many opportunities to show this gentleness, or grace. And it´s important for me to realize just how weak I am as well.

It´s daunting though, to consider my own sins as well as the sins of those I lead. Praise be to God that Jesus has paid for all of them! Still, I´m praying for wisdom to help strengthen and encourage those around me. God has called me here for a reason. I hope I have the humility to understand why.

a day at the beach

The rain is gone! Today we took the interns and all of their host families to the beach. I am completely sun burned and exhausted. One of the girls on our team was stung by a sea urchin, but, all in all, it was a good day. We only have one more weekend for the interns to spend with their host families. Time is going so quickly!

I´m trying to absorb this experience as much as possible. (Right now, I´ve absorbed a lot of sun, salt water, and fried food.) Already, I know I´ll miss people I´ve grown close to.

What a beautiful day. What a beautiful opportunity. I feel so blessed.

tropical wave

So I still have no idea what a "Tropical Wave" is, but apparently we´re having one right now. From what I gather, it´s less severe than a tropical storm. But, it means that we have thunderstorms every day for a week, downpours that turn the lawn into a lake, and enough water for my cement ceiling to leak all over the floor! It also means that motorcycle taxi drivers won´t pick up interns, staff don´t expect much to get done, and children won´t come to English classes even if it´s sunny in the afternoon when we show up. It´s kind of like a snow day in Kitsap county.

Yesterday morning, one of the girls on our team (Elisa) shared from Job 37:
"My heart pounds as I think of this.
It trembles within me.
Listen carefully to the thunder of God´s voice as it rolls from his mouth.
It rolls across the heavens, and his lightning flashes in every direction.
Then comes the roaring of the thunder-the tremendous voice of his majesty.
He does not restrain it when he speaks.
God´s voice is glorious in the thunder.
We can´t even imagine the greatness of his power.
He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down.
Then everyone stops working so they can watch his power." Job 37:1-7 NLT

Granted, this is one of Job´s friends talking to Job. But it´s Elihu,the last guy that gets angry at everyone else for being "older and wiser" yet saying stupid stuff that didn´t help Job at all. This week, I see Elihu´s point. I see how God´s voice can resonate in a thunderclap. I understand how we´ll never imagine the greatness of his power. How exciting!

Honestly, I´d rather it stop raining. I really don´t like rain. At all. But, I´m grateful for the reminder of God´s power. I see that His plan is far greater than my own, which is currently having to change every 15 minutes depending on the weather! During the tropical wave, I have been challenged especially by Psalm 46:10. "Be still and know that I am God." NIV

love

Our focus for this week with the interns is "Servant Leadership". Mostly, its a challenge to me and Julie. This summer, God is growing me to be a mediator.

Live in harmony with each other. Don´t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don´t think you know it all! Romans 12:16 NLT

What a picture of love. Speaking with anyone, willing to learn. Even if I am not sharing the "Gospel" I can still speak of God in humility. What a challenge.

Please pray that I have patience, that I keep praying when things get uncomfortable. Genuine love, the love described in Romans 12, is ridiculous. I don´t have the strength to do it. But, love is the mark of God working through us.

Also, pray that I sleep well and cope with life. Last night I fell asleep around 3 am local time. With projects in full swing, and more people speaking to me in Spanish everyday, I need to be rested. God gives us strength. Pray that He overfills me, please.

I´m starting to get excited to come home to the states. There is so much more to be done here, I´d love to come back. But now, I´m getting ready to share this experience at home. I can´t wait to be among family, friends, students. God has given me a heart for the people in Barahona this summer, but Kitsap will always be home.

Part of learning to love in Barahona means surrendering my right to the computer. It´s hard to find time and opportunity to check emails or update blogs. I love you, though!

still alive, don´t worry

Just updated the cotnglobalinterns2009.blogspot.com page.

There´s been a team here this week that has been using the computer every night, thus no updates. But, this has been an amazing week for building relationships in our team and with the people we work with. Our focus for the interns was "making disciples", a challenge and a mission for the rest of our lives, to be sure.

Prayer request:
One of the girls on our team, Dayna, just found out that a good friend in MI died of cancer. He was 20 years old and had a series of unsuccessful treatments. It´s been a hard loss for her to take. Please pray for her as she mourns and that we would be able to support her as her tearmmates.

solitude

Solitude is hard to come by. Even now, our security guard, Nardo, is sitting behind me reading his Bible. We are greeted in the villages by climbing children, competing for attention they desparately crave. At our casa there is a steady stream of people throughout the week, often extending into the weekend. And going for a run by myself is absolutely unheard of...so I run the length of our driveway 30-40 times whenever I want a work-out. In a culture steeped in relationship, solitude can be a very foreign concept.

This week, though, I had the opportunity for some quality alone time. We took the team of interns to a hotel on the beach and assigned everyone (ourselves included) to 6 hours of solitude. I found a quiet spot on the pebbly beach, grabbed my Bible and journal, and settled in to watch the waves of the Carribbean Sea. Finally, I felt able to experience solitude. Rest.

¨Be still and know that I am God¨ Psalm 46:10 NIV

The ocean here is beautiful. Like the mountains in Montana or the trees at home, watching the ocean here reminds me of God´s power and His love. The six hours of solitude on Tuesday were some of the best hours I´ve used in a while. There is much value in being still.

I can´t wait to share stories and photos of my experience here in Barahona. There is so much to tell! So much that can only be conveyed in person. I´m here for another month if anyone wants to come visit...

compels

"The love of Christ compels us" 2 Cor 5:14

Tomorrow morning we´re taking the team of interns for a 3-day beach retreat to reflect on the summer experience and cast vision for the final month of our trip. Julie and I chose to begin the retreat with a short devotional time based on this verse. What are our motives? What are we doing down here? Why are we doing it?

I wish that this were our answer: the love of Christ compels us. I pray that this is our answer. But I´m not so sure.

Lately I´ve been reading Paul´s letters to the early churches. I hope to grow this summer in passion for Christ and the church. I hope to be compelled to action by Christ´s love. Reading the end of the book of Acts, I want life to be a miserable, terrible adventure of God´s glory revealed. I want to experience love so compelling that prison, beatings, even death no longer matters. (Mom, don´t worry. I´m not going to seek out prison, beatings or death.)

What would a life look like, compelled by the love of Christ?


If every day, I wake up compelled by Christ´s love, my life would definitely look different. What if that love began to impact, to compel others? How could a community be changed by this compelling love?

The eight weeks of this summer provide a manageable snapshot of Christian life. How is Christ´s love compelling us in Barahona? In the rest of life, with undefined boundaries, it´s often harder to observe the fruits of our motives. I get the feeling that this challenge will last longer than the 3 days of this retreat, longer than the 4 weeks left in Barahona.

Christ´s love never changes. We can choose to experience it or not. His love compels.

home

"It is the mark of a grown-up man, as compared with a callow youth, that he finds his center of gravity wherever he happens to be at the moment, and however much he longs for the object of his desire, it cannot prevent him from staying at his post of duty.¨-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Barahona has a strangely familiar feeling of home. Tonight, my mom sent an e-mail saying that my grandma passed away last week. While I will miss her greatly, it´s comforting to know that she is at peace now. Our family believes she knew Jesus and will be reunited with Him in Heaven. Still, my heart aches for my family in this time of loss.

Looking out the window at the Dominican sunset, I realized just how essential it is for Barahona to be my home right now. My heart´s desire is to sit down and talk with my dad over coffee, make sure he´s okay. But the deeper calling on my life right now is to become a part of the community in Barahona. This is my post of duty for six more blessed weeks. I am honored to call Barahona my home.

meeting Christ in Barahona

{Righteousness and justice are the foundations of your throne.
Unfailing love and truth walk before you as attendants.
Happy are those who hear the joyful call to worship,
for they will walk in the light of your presence, Lord.
They rejoice all day long in your wonderful reputation.
They exult in your righteousness.
You are their glorious strength.
It pleases you to make us strong.
Yes, our protection comes from the Lord,
and he, the Holy One of Israel, has given us our king.} Psalm 89:14-18 NLT

It pleases the Lord to make us strong- what a concept! I am reminded of God´s faithfulness every day in Barahona, having the privilege to serve with such an amazing team. The heat and humidity alone have the potential to drain our energy, but God makes us strong. There is much work to be done.

I continue to see blatant opportunities to worship our God, rejoicing in his wonderful reputation. The Children of the Nations national staff in Barahona are very well respected in the community, demonstrating that Christ is their glorious strength. It is very powerful to see children who´s lives have been changed because of an encounter with Christ through COTN.

There is so much more to learn here. I hear the call to worship each morning, waking up to rooster calls as soon as the sun rises. My deep desire is to constantly walk in his presence, whether playing with young children in a village or sorting school supplies in the national office. I claim identity in the Holy One of Israel.

follow

I used to think I was a naturally organized person. When I left my parents' house to go to college, all of my earthly belongings fit in the back seat of a minivan. Since then, I have moved 12 times (that I can remember) in the past five years. Moving is the only thing that keeps me organized.

The latest "move" is forcing me to be organized again. All of the supplies I need for ministry this summer are crammed into three duffel bags, with a combined weight roughly equal to my own. My room is still a disaster area, full of books, sheet music, school supplies and teacher clothes. In my organizing frenzy, I also rediscovered my crate of old journals.

This time last year, I was preparing for a construction missions trip to Clovis, CA. My neighbor Robyn gave me a devotional journal for the summer, which led me to Mark 1:17.

"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." Mark 1:17 NIV

I realized last summer, that this invitation is about more than changing careers. It's a call to action. Jesus asked some fishermen to trade in their nets for a greater mission. He was really asking them to change their hearts. Change their paradigms.

I realize that I need to go to where Christ is going. He wants me to walk to Him, walk with Him. The whole concept of following revolves around going.

So, this year like every other year, I'll go. This summer, I'm leaving the country. Some years, I've left for another town, another state. Last year, God asked me to go back home, which is the hardest thing I've had to do so far. But I wouldn't trade this year for the world. God's that good.


(You can read about the adventures of following at http://cotnglobalinterns2009.blogspot.com all summer long.)

16 days

Pleasing the Lord is never what we expect it to be. His "mercies are new every morning" and so are the challenges He asks us to face. The journey is richer than first imagined.

In just over two weeks I leave the country. There are still many details to take care of, many plans to be finalized, many ways my heart must still be prepared. But, the mission of my life doesn't begin on June 15th, 2009. I am to live a life, holy and pleasing to the Lord, right now. It's on.

There are hungry children in my apartment complex and in my classroom. There are hurting people in my family, in my hometown, in my church. I leave for Barahona in 16 days, but I am already on the mission to please the Lord.

Please pray.

"This is why we work and struggle. We hope in the living God who is the Savior of all people, especially those who believe.

Command and teach these things. Do not let anyone treat you as if you are unimportant because you are young. Instead, be an example to the believers with your words, your actions, your love, your faith, and your pure life. Until I come, continue to read the Scriptures to the people, strengthen them, and teach them. Use the gift you have, which was given to you through prophecy when the group of elders laid their hands on you.

Continue to do those things; give your life to doing them so your progress may be seen by everyone. Be careful in your life and in your teaching. If you contine to live and teach rightly, you will save both yourself and those who listen to you."
1 Timothy 4:10-16 NCV

committment issues

Last Thursday I showed up for a meeting an hour too early. So, I read my Bible in the car for awhile. (Okay maybe 15 minutes max.) Then, I drove to Starbucks.

You know how some Strabucks quotes have those cheesy motivational sayings on them? Being addicted to literacy, I always read them. So, taking no credit for the following, here's how a Starbucks cup changed the way I look at life:

"The irony of committment is that its deeply liberating--in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." --Anne Morriss

Why is that life changing? Well, it probably shouldn't be. It's just words printed on a disposable cup. Nothing about this quote is inspired. Definitely not God-breathed.

But Thursday morning, walking along the Bremerton waterfront, I had a breakthrough. Any issue I've had with making committments, decisions, long-lasting choices has been rooted in fear. I fear making the wrong choice. I fear missing out on some better alternative down the road. I fear being hurt. I fear hurting others. I fear being less than myself.

How dumb is that?!Thanks to a grande mocha, I can look at life differently. Healthier, I think.

"Committment is deeply liberating." That's the heart of the Gospel: Choose Jesus because He chose you first. I will be let down in life. I will fail, too. But I already have all the approval that matters. No more overanalyzing. No more choosing fear. I choose to be liberated in committment.

All that from a cup of coffee.

borrowing michelle's laptop

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me;
Your love, O LORD, endures forever."
Psalm 138:8

I'm borrowing Michelle's internet and I happened to notice this verse sitting on her nightstand. What a perfect way to end the day. It speaks hope, faithfulness, and God's pleasure. For lack of better words, God is freaking rad.

No matter what happens in the scope of a day, I can't screw up God's plans. He fulfills His purpose. His love endures forever. He endures forever.

Today, I tried to teach kids about electricity. I tried to impart scientific knowledge. But, chances are it didn't really work. The Lord's purpose is so much bigger than the 45 minute lessons I prepared, though. The larger moments of today were the conversations, sharing life with students. The teenage heart aches revealed. The quest for identity uncovered. The deep human desire to be listened to. These moments all add up to God fulfilling His purpose for me.

And His love is so sweet. Resting in the purpose of our Maker, I rejoice in the work of today. God is shaping hearts, refining lives, and reaping the harvest of Kitsap county. Even better, His love endures forever.

Thanks for letting me borrow your laptop, Michelle.

April showers

Sometimes life runs later than we expect it to. "April showers bring May flowers" and all. Winter is supposed to turn into spring. And it does, eventually.

Waking up to sunbeams streaming through my window is much easier to take than the rhythm of the beating rain. I'm glad that spring is almost here.

Ecclesiastes talks about how there are seasons for everything. Times to sow seeds and times to gather the harvest. I like the spring time. I like enjoying the work that has been done, expecting the fruits of the future.

Even though some of the flowers are slow to bloom this May, they'll all be worth the wait. I'm trusting God for an incredible spring time. Trusting that His timing is greater than my own.

not that life sucks or anything

Life doesn't suck.

The Internet does, though. More specifically, the wireless in my apartments sucks.

Life beyond the Internet is fine. Sunbreaks and track practices and coffee dates help keep me sane. Praise be to the God of life. Real life.

easter

He is risen!

He is risen indeed!

It's the day when we remember miracles. It's the day we celebrate life changed. It's the fruit of hope. It's Easter.

He is risen!

He is risen indeed!

triumph

Scripture promises that Christ has won. But it also promises that we will fight. We'll need armor. We'll need support. We don't live in the realization of triumph, but the reality of battle. (Ephesians 6, where the story at the bottom of the page continues...)

I've been listening to the same song on repeat in my car today. A preview of the Easter music at newlife:

"This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way..."

I cling to this lyric today as I listen to teenagers explain their collapsing worlds. I know that triumph will arrive. But, I pray during the battle. These young men and women may have no idea how God is shaping them, but I know that He will triumph. His compassion runs deeper than mine ever can, for He made these children in His image. His love is Victory in itself, but He will bring Triumph.

I cling to this lyric today as students offer the privilege of their time. I feel hopeless, useless and tired. But God asks me to love His children. God asks me to experience His love. In the battle, He asks me to remember that He is triumphant. He's never weary. He never leaves. Battle takes time. Battle takes sweat and blood and tears. Battle takes a lot of tears.

Romans 8 claims that in Christ we are "more than conquerors." Christ is victory. This battle is worth every moment. Every wound helps our hearts know Christ. We are called to rejoice in His sufferings. What an honor! What a privilege!

When triumph seems to lag, I will pray. I will be still, even if it kills me. That's the beauty of battle.

life plans

So, I am talking with Amanda(my heterosexual life partner) to figure out what we're going to do with the rest of our lives. The top contenders so far:

• Ballet parking. Not valet parking, mind you. We have this idea to move cars to appropriate spaces via dance. Entrepreneurship at its finest.
• Something in Cleveland, OH. Mainly because it's not in Washington or Tennessee. Also, we feel that we could develop pretty sweet Midwestern accents. Plus, we'd be close to Cedarpoint-and who doesn't love a good rollercoaster!?!
• Stuff. Generic, but highly possible.

In reality, I'm planning to spend the summer in the Dominican Republic with Children of the Nations. Then, the plan continues to teach at least another year for the Central Kitsap School District.

But plans are funny things. You never know where they'll end up. My plans from last year have taken on a life of their own. It feels like I'm living out dreams that I'd already surrendered, now suddenly resurrected.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Maybe it's all a part of finding out what pleases the Lord, this plan-making and breaking. I continue to see God transform and redefine my plans for the glory of His purpose. Now, not to say that my plans nor my life are glorious. (It's a Saturday night and I'm blogging and eating toaster strudel, talking to a friend across the country...) But God's purpose prevails through our plans, maybe even because of our plans.

Something to think about...

mustard

Ever have one of those moments where you're overwhelmed with perspective?

Leaving my classroom this afternoon, I was blinded by sunshine. I watched my step as I closed the heavy red fire door behind me, carrying a storage crate full of papers to be graded. Cutting through the small lawn that connects my classroom door to the main path, I noticed some signs of spring time coming:

Little white mustard flowers line the sidewalks at school.

A few years ago, working as a molecular plant biology lab tech, I came to appreciate mustard plants, specifically Arabidopsis thaliana, the model organism of botany. Growing, harvesting, cloning, emasculating, extracting, and cloning mustard plants was the culmination of my Bachelor's degree. It was also the experience that God used to shape my passions. While lab work has not (and will never be) my delight, the experience taught me a lot about faith.

There's this verse in Matthew where Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."(Matthew 17:20).

Looking up from the mustard flowers on the sidewalk to the Olympic mountains straight ahead, I felt the perspective of God's bigger plan. God didn't have to move the mountains- He just moved me. Four summers ago as an intern in Pullman, I thought that I would change the world through science. God hasn't removed the desire from my heart, just changed the venue.

gift

Obviously, I like Ephesians 5. Since I was 17, this chapter has challenged me to higher ground. It is short and sweet; complicated and deep. It is theology made practical.

Tonight I was given the opportunity to introduce Ephesians 5 to our small group Bible study. God has used this specific chapter to grow my heart through various seasons of life, and I hope that my story can resonate with others.

Growing up in a God-loving family, I had little experience with darkness. I was aware of sin in the world. I was aware of selfishness within my heart. I knew that people hurt themselves and each other. But my frame of reference was sheltered, protected in love.

As I re-entered public school in high school, I began to encounter darkness. A youth leader challenged me to read the book of Ephesians every day. So, I did. Verse 10 captivated my heart, beginning a quest to "find out what pleases the Lord" that I expect will continue driving my passion until Heaven. I see now that light in the Lord is the only true weapon against the darkness.

When I began college at Washington State, my picture of the darkness deepened. I met people raped by sin. Women, trading their beauty for stupidity and violence. I was shocked that anyone could choose to live in darkness when light was so obvious to me. For the first time, I realized there was a visible difference of walking in the light, in the day, in the love of Christ. God burdened my heart for the women of my dorm, my neighbors, my friends.

Ephesians 5 continues to stalk my heart. This past spring, I memorized the second half of Ephesians 5 as part of pre-marital counseling homework. The verses painted a beautiful picture of marriage, but the pain of a broken engagement threatened my interpretation of the passage. Thankfully, my emotions do not determine the validity of Scripture.

I am constantly encouraged by Paul's revelation of marriage as a reflection of Christ and the Church. Praise Jesus for His selfless love, His washing grace, His tender mercies. We are Christ's beloved, His bride.

Praise God, who brings us together in Himself.

the foot of the cross

Most nights, I bring a little bit of work home with me. My principal advised me to only take home what I can realistically accomplish. My rule: take what you can carry. My principal says that if you take more than you can actually do, you're carrying more than papers and tests. You physically carry your guilt.

Tonight I brought home a few notebooks and some quizzes about inhalants. They're all graded and done. I'll carry them back to the classroom tomorrow morning and probably never think about them again.

Life isn't always so clean.

This evening, waiting for the youth meeting to begin at Island Lake, I realized how much tension I was physically carrying in my shoulders. I felt compelled to prepare my heart for the night's gathering, knowing the topic would be "Worship God with your Heart." My heart needed to be right with my Maker. My devotion needed to be pure. My arms needed to be emptied, not carrying anything.

So, what do I do when I need to solve big problems in life? I stopped at Starbucks, then went for a walk in the woods. It helps me pray.

It's almost been a year since my heart was broken for the first time, and I'm still carrying around a lot of the pain. My body holds onto the burden, unsure when it will be safe to let go. It's almost like an addiction.

First, I checked out the conditions of the trails around Island Lake camp. In a few weeks I'll be helping with the junior high long distance track team and I'm getting desperate for good running trails near the school. I walked the trails for 20 minutes or so before even saying anything to God. I tried pretty hard to get lost in the woods. I was trying really hard to listen, but the only thing I heard was the skaters at the skate park.

Unfortunately, my trail opened into the road to the skate park. I knew where I needed to go next. I knew where I needed to worship.

November 2007, a dear friend showed me the pathway to the cross at Island Lake camp. You have to know where you're going to find it (or be lost behind the archery range, which consequently is a terrible place to be lost). I needed to sit at the foot of the cross tonight.

The foot of the cross is a phrase that I think has been cheapened by '90s Christian music. It's church jargon that people say without really thinking about sometimes. But tonight, sitting on a rock-laying my hands on the foot of the wooden cross in the forest, I surrendered the pain I'd been carrying around each day for the last year.

No amount of crying will heal my heart. No counselor can restore my joy. No medication can improve my contentment. I can't make things better--but Jesus already has. It's how we let go. Every day.

During the message tonight at the youth gathering, the pastor read Psalm 46:10. It's the verse that stalks my life:
"Be still and know that I am God."

It's not trite. It's true.

poulsbo

I've spent the majority of today by myself: Waking up after my roommate left. Waiting in a coffee shop for a few hours. Window-shopping. Actually shopping. Grading quizzes. Feeding pets. Trying to cancel a wedding channel registry.

But I haven't been alone all day. Now, I'm not even talking about the theological sense of not being alone. Strictly speaking, the Holy Spirit is always with us, the Counselor sent by Christ. Then there's the concept of an omnipresent God. I mean, one of my favorite verses is at the end of Matthew, "and lo, I am with you always."

No, today has been filled with intentional encounters. God gave me time to pray. Uninterrupted time. This morning, as I left voicemails and text messages, I realized the blessing to experience sweet community. A family shared a table with me in a busy coffee shop this morning. As we began to talk, we realized how connected our lives are in this community of 170,000 people.

Then, wandering down to a bookstore, a clerk shared her passion for education and the North Kitsap area. A little later, she asked my advice to help another customer find a good travel guide. Finally checking out, she let me know of a local author who may make classroom visits. This is my community.

Farther along the street in my window-shopping adventure, I stopped at the Scandinavian Store. (Only in Poulsbo...) The troll knick-knacks and Norwegian flags reminded me of my grandparents' house, so I called and caught up on life with my Grammy. A morning that I had worried would be a lonely solo grading-fest was transformed into an object lesson of community.

Later, a friend met me at Subway to share lunch and prayers. This evening, I sharedwith 15 of the most passionate Christ-lovers I've ever met. And tonight, I'm planning an adventure to visit an old, dear friend as she prepares for her wedding this summer. Psalm 133:1 proclaims, "O how good it is when brothers live in unity."

Community doesn't have to be 24-7 eye contact. Just a way of life.

grace availability

God uses us when we're flexible. I mean, He uses us anyways, but when we're flexible we don't have to break. I'm starting to see the benefits to being flexible. It's significantly less painful.

I'm still recovering from the sleep deprivation of Winter Camp this past weekend, but for God's glory. My heart was incredibly blessed by the opportunity to share life with 8 fantastic young women. It's amazing how God provides adventures of encouragement when we open our lives, our schedules. Truth can be overwhelming when we just sit back and listen.

Still learning to be content, to be flexible, to be available in grace, it's exciting to watch God work. I can't wait to live each day abundantly.

learned

"and I have learned to be content in all things..."

Really? All of them? I feel that I am learning to be content, but realistically doubt that I will ever be content in all things. I live in limbo between the city where citizens are arrested in front of the grocery store, and the sleepy town known for its strip club and cheap cars. Tonight, the only letter in my mailbox was a warning from the police department about a registered sex offender moving into the neighborhood.

How did Paul do it? How did he learn to be content in all things? The guy was beaten, jailed, left for dead. How did he figure out how to be content?

I guess I'm just wondering, how could someone truly be content when life sucks that much. My life is fine, for which I am grateful, but what if it wasn't? If I were the one being arrested at the store, if I were the stripper at the bar, if I were attacked by the new neighbor, or if I were the new neighbor, it would be significantly harder to be content.

I don't think I've learned how to be content in all things. In fact, I have learned to be content on beautiful days when the sun glistens on the mountains. I have learned to be content in the loving arms of my family. I have learned to be content in the security of a contracted career. I have learned to be content in a safe home with a ready supply of food, running water, and electricity. I have learned to be content and still maintain a crappy attitude.

I have not learned very much.

contrite

Reading through Psalm 51 tonight at our weekly youth leadership meeting, a few of us stopped to look up the word "contrite". I'd always thought it was a synonym for "broken" since I'd always heard them together in reference to Psalm 51:17

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise." NAS

Turns out, contrite means so much more. It's not just another way to say "broken". Instead, it means to be filled with sorrow, with remorse. Being contrite implies an attitude of regret, of repentance. Not just emptiness, but overflowing sorrow.

That's how God uses us: weak, broken, repentant. He wants to be the One who fills us. He wants to overflow from our weakness. I want to have the same broken, contrite heart that David had. I want to hear from Jesus so I too can echo the words of Paul, that:

"He has said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 NAS

How do you do that? How can you be glad about weaknesses? How can the powerful Christ dwell in a broken heart?

Maybe Christ is too big to fit in my heart any other way.

I want my heart to be broken for a reason. I want to be emptied of my self, filled with sorrow over my sin, so Christ may come in for the victory. I want His Glory to be all people see in my story. His power, made perfect in my weakness.

I want to be contrite.

constant challenge

Driving home from another soccer massacre, the radio DJ was talking with callers about Friday the 13th. I had forgotten (a) that it was Friday and (b) that it was the 13th. Not that I am superstitious, but I feel the Bible clearly describes spiritual battles.

"Take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm." Ephesians 6:13 NAS

I started thinking about how 2008 in my life was marked by deep, obvious spiritual warfare. From demonic nightmares to painful idolatry, from injuries and diseases to broken relationships. This year, however, has been relatively calm.

At first, this insight freaked me out. I've grown up with the idea that spiritual warfare is a demonic reaction to Christ-followers pleasing God. Why doesn't the darkness care about what I'm doing? Am I not doing anything that pisses off evil? Have I become complacent?

But maybe there's a different reason.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in paths of righteousness
For His name's sake." Psalm 23:2-3

Part of the constant challenge of obeying the Shepherd, the King, is following wherever He leads. I feel as though I've been pulled off the front lines for a moment, sent home to heal battle wounds. Why has it taken so long to appreciate this furlough?

I know there will be many more battles for my heart, but I already know the Victor. He died for me so I would never fear death. He lives so I may live life fully. He is always with me so I will never be alone. He shelters me so I can always be secure. He loves me.

Happy Valentines Day, too.

εὐδοκία

Tonight at a small group Bible study, we started reading through Ephesians.Beginning his letter to the Ephesians, Paul gets carried away in doxology. Reading that first chapter never gets old. It's like Paul is right there in the room with you, praying for the growing church.

My old NAS Bible, duct-taped together and missing the back cover, is filled with notes in the margins and highlighted word studies. The majority of the notes are in Ephesians, thanks to a painful vanride this summer through central California. On the top of the page, I noticed a simple note written this summer: "Look up Greek for 'kind intention.'"

In the middle of spontaneous doxology, Paul describes how God "made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention" (1:9). In most other versions, this phrase is translated "good pleasure." In Greek, the work is εὐδοκία. Not knowing enough Greek to have any idea what that actually means, I turned to Blue Letter Bible...

εὐδοκία

1) will, choice

a) good will, kindly intent, benevolence

2) delight, pleasure, satisfaction

3) desire

a) for delight in any absent thing easily produces longing for it

courtesy blue letter bible

So, why does this matter? It's for God's good pleasure that He reveals His will to us. His kind intention, His pleasure, and His will are all interconnected. It's all about His grace. It's not about anything we do. Praise be to God!

God's will, revealed to us, is a gift. The expression of God's kind intention. Bringing pleasure to the King. Eudokia.

Purpose

Ephesians chapter 5 is posted in the left margin of this page. All of it.

And you have to read it as a whole for it to really make sense. You have to re-read it. Memorize it. Live according to it's forceful directives. You have to apply it to fully understand what it means to "walk in the Light."

Ultimately, that's what we're called to strive for: "and find out what pleases the Lord."

It's the Gospel filled out.

It's the mission with pertinent details.

It's light shining into darkness.

It's truth winning.

It's not settling for any substitute.

It's relationships modeling Christ's deep passion for His Church.

This is how we're asked to live. God wants the best for His people. He wants them to live like He loves them. (Not that anything we do can change the amount, the magnitude of God's love.) It's just that... love spurs action.

As God's beloved, we realize our identity by living like He loves us. We choose to walk in the Light. We want to please our Lover. We want others to know about how amazing He is.

He's pretty amazing.

ancient prayer

Fully exhausted, I can't even pray. Borrowing the cry of the Psalmist:

" May the splendor of the Lord endure!

May the Lord find pleasure in the living things he has made!

He looks down on the earth and it shakes;

he touches the mountains and they start to smolder.

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;

I will sing praise to my God as long as I exist!

May my thoughts be pleasing to him!

I will rejoice in the Lord."

Psalm 104:32-35 NET

walking the walk

Back in junior high, we used to have choral responses at church. The one I remember most was. "God is good-all the time. All the time-God is good."

It's so simple. So obvious. So earth-shattering.

On the downhill slope of the school year, I recognize God's blatant faithfulness. I see His all-the-time-goodness. I rejoice in so many opportunities to "find out what pleases the Lord."

This week is a blur of final-writing, grading, parent calls, and planned explosions. But in the middle of the week, I was allowed a glimpse of the Father's faithfulness. Sitting around a table at Island Lake Camp with my brother and sister in Christ, we paused in the busy week to praise our Provider. God is powerful enough to create jobs for the jobless. God knows our hearts and can change them, too. God can take foggy, cloudy days and transform them with sunshine. God can recapture lost children, bringing them home to Himself. Praise our Great King!

Wednesday night at our weekly youth meeting, we discussed the importance of respect in marriage relationships. The text (1 Thess 4) dovetails beautifully with Ephesians 5. (Listen to the messages here.) Paul encourages Christ's followers to live in the light, to find out what pleases the Lord and he explains practical ways to do it!

And it's not as though we walk through life alone. In another letter (Galatians 5), Paul describes the life-art of living filled by the Spirit. We walk life with the Spirit. We keep in step with the Spirit.

God is faithful. God is always with us. God is good, all the time.

a quest defined

So, in the pursuit to "find out what pleases the Lord" I may have overlooked the obvious. Tonight, at our weekly youth leader training we looked at 1 Thessalonians 3. The whole chapter's about pleasing the Lord. The gist of it is: "Keep following God's word by being holy and loving people."

So simple. So hard.

Now, the quest to find out what pleases the Lord is by no means over. But the route's a little more defined. The bar has been set, raised even.

"But we urge you, brethren, to excel still more." 1 Thessalonians 3:10b

Laser discs and other urgent lessons

Yesterday I showed a laser disc about "The Great Quake of '89" to my earth science students. They were shocked by how big DVDs used to be. They were also shocked that Diane Sawyer used to look young. They were also shocked by the devastation caused by an earthquake twenty years ago.

One girl in sixth period was particularly outraged.

"Why don't they tell us about this?!" she yelled as soon as the film was over. "Why have I never heard about this? I had no idea this happened"

"Well, we're learning about it today," I offered.

"No!" she continued, "Why have I never heard that this happened? People died when that highway collapsed (Highway 880 in Oakland). Do people know about this?"

We had a class discussion about current plans to redesign the Alaskan Way Viaduct in Seattle. We talked about the lessons we can learn from the past and apply to our own lives. We talked about devastation caused by earthquakes of lesser magnitude in third-world countries. We talked about the massive loss of life caused by recent earthquakes in China and Pakistan.

Then the bell rang and they left. A few hours later, I went home.The girl's outrage at not knowing about "the Great Quake of '89" has been haunting me, though, with a deeper sense of urgency.

Realistically, the San Francisco earthquake of 1989 has little sway over the course of history. But, the truth of the Gospel has a huge impact on history, on life past and present. What if people were outraged about not hearing about, not knowing the truth of the Gospel?

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 explains the importance of Truth and passing Truth on to our children:
"Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the Lord is one!
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you sit down and when you rise up.
You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.
You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

My junior high science students consider 1989 to be ancient history. They know about 9/11 from watching the World Trade Center movie. How will they hear about a carpenter who lived in the Middle East 2000 years ago? Who will convince them this truth is life-changing, eternally relevant?

I wonder.

What if I meet these same students one day at the gates of Heaven, still asking the same question? "Why don't they tell us about this?! Why have I never heard about this? I had no idea this happened."

We have a lot to learn from the hearts of children.

Friendship

God uses blessings and challenges to grow our hearts. This weekend (extending through today) has been a beautiful work of God's faithfulness, spoken through the wisdom of old friends. Praise God for the family of believers!

Proverbs 17:17 starts out "A friend loves at all times". Granted, as humans we never love perfectly. But praise God for the friend love we experience here.

Thank you, friends, for supporting me in love. Thank you for listening to rants, to propositions, to ramblings. Thank you for loving at all times.

I pray that God continues to grow our hearts to love as He loves. At all times. Perfectly.

Love pleases the Lord. We were made to love.

Identity

Falling in love with Christ brings identity.

This month, God's been carefully re-crafting my identity, sense of self. A lot of things had to go to make room for new character. But, I'm confident the end result will bring him glory. In the meantime, I'm discovering new facets of the personality He's shaping together.

Currently, I'm the youngest teacher at school, full of energy. Earlier this week a co-worker commented, "I wish I could still re-charge as fast as you." Granted, it doesn't feel like I'm recharged every morning, but apparently I'm convincing the masses.

My students are circulating a rumor that I used to be an auctioneer. I told them the story of how I lost my voice by screaming in Death Valley over Christmas break. Apparently that translated to "our teacher used to yell for a living."

In my small group, I'm privileged to be the voice of experience. It can be intimidating to be accountable for a group of beautiful young women. I pray for them to find true love and fulfillment in Christ.

With dear friends, life is slowly returning to "normal" even if it is a "new normal". My heart is starting to take risks again, starting to embrace adventure and companionship. I'm re-learning how to trust, to forgive.

And in public, I'm once again the smiling customer, exuding innocence apparently. The other night at Safeway, a checker nominated me for sainthood. (Completely valid nomination, of course.)

But the real point isn't being normal, or achieving sainthood, or even getting enough beauty sleep. The heart of the matter is that God is shaping my heart for His glory. My life is not that big of a deal. His glory is.

Tonight at small group we read through Hebrews 11. It's a gorgeous list of the evidence of God's faithfulness. A painfully beautiful reminder of God's timescale. A promise to cling to. A hope to own.

I desire no other "normal" than to trust the God who is faithful.

In keeping with the theme of this blog, the motto of my life:
"and without faith it is impossible to please the Lord." Heb 11:6

This year, I want faith to be my "normal", my character, my identity.

Doxology

"It is fitting to thank the Lord, and to sing praises to your name, O sovereign One!" Psalm 92:1

I don't even need an occasion to praise God, really. Life itself is opportunity to praise the sovereign One. He knows our days, our ways. He is always fitting of our praises.

That's what doxology is all about.

I've been falling asleep to a playlist of John Piper sermons for most of the nights since September. (For some reason, theology knocks me out...convenient at bedtime but not on Sunday morning!) There's this one sermon pretty early in the playlist about living your life as doxology. A lifestyle of praise.

Circumstances don't always seem to be reason to praise. But God Himself is always reason enough. I pray that my life would be a constant expression of gratitude to the Savior.

The year is off to a beautiful start. Already, it's been full of sweet fellowship, personal growth and emotional healing. It's also been full of deep, lasting pain in the lives of friends and students. It's a year of challenge, of heartache, of sleeplessness, weariness, and hard, hard work. And the year is barely a week old. But the Sovereign one is timeless.

As the journey to discover what pleases the Lord continues, I'm beginning to see that the Lord is the only one who can truly please us. It's not that He needs our praise, rather, He deserves it. All good things are from Him. Praise Him.

As God keeps changing my heart, helping me be content in Kitsap, I've started listening to country. (Who knew it could happen?) There's this one song, though, that reminds me of this idea of doxology, of praising in all circumstances:

"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart on the day that it was breaking
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I cried with every stumbling step that led to you
And got me here" (Here by Rascal Flatts)

So, there you have it, doxology from a country song. Maybe the apocalypse is coming soon after all...

forgiving Tom-Tom

Safely back in the 360, I learned a lot about life in Death Valley. For instance, life's much more enjoyable when you surrender expectations and control. Friends are the people who "do life" with you. And adventures never turn out quite the way you plan.

As Emily and I explored the gulleys stemming from the base of the Ubehebe crater, we started picturing the "Valley of the Shadow of Death" that David writes about in the Psalms. Later, we talked about what we would attempt in life if failure was not a possible consequence, what we would try if there were not any fear in the world. Both conversations helped crystallize my thoughts about life in Christ.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:1-4

My greatest goal for 2009 is to become content in Kitsap county. I guess you could say it's a New Year's Resolution, or something. Really, it starts with Ps 23:1. If I recognize God as my Shepherd, there's no need to want anything else. It's pretty pathetic to be discontent.

Walking along the Badwater Basin saltflats (the lowest point in North America) on New Year's Eve, Sharon drew a great parallel to 2008. Holding her hands to the sky, she told me, "2009: It can only go up from here!" It's a catchy motto.

When I step back and re-assess 2008, God has provided so faithfully. He's made me lie down in the green pastures of home, the quiet waters of a familiar environment. He's restoring my soul through the encouragement and support of family and wise counsel. He's guiding me in paths of good teaching and right living so He'll recieve glory. Praise be to God!

I've only been to Death Valley National Park. I'm not claiming to have experienced the valley of the shadow of death. I've never had a loved one die unexpectedly. My encounters with loss are limited.

Still, I found myself fighting demons Thursday night, sitting shotgun in a friend's Subaru Outback. We knew we were off-route (no thanks to Tom-Tom) and pulled off SR 580 at Livermore, at the exit for Sandia Industries. Then, the car started making terrible, grinding noises, unable to transition into any gear. It sucked.

But God is the good shepherd. He provides for our needs. In His perfect time and for His glory, God noticed our car problems. He allowed us to move the car to the shoulder before a single car passed on the busy road. While the clutch was still very picky, we were able to return to I-5 and find a dealership the next morning. Finally, we were able to drive all the way home without any lasting damage. In fact, by the end of the trip, the car drove beautifully and even survived Portland rush hour traffic.

This vignette of faithfulness allows me to hope that God will heal my heart in a similar way. So, even if I still can't sleep through the night, I won't fear evil. This is where God wants me: humbled, broken, seeking His heart. Maybe I had to return to Kitsap to get there. If this is where God's leading me, it's the only place to go.

It's how I can forgive Tom-Tom for leading us on more than a few wild-goose chases through California and Nevada. It's how I can learn to let go of selfish hopes and dreams. It's how I can trust there will be green pastures, eventually. It's how I can claim Christ's victory.

Happy New Year.