loving a neighborhood

There are no formally recognized church buildings in my immediate neighborhood. And it's the kind of neighborhood that would be "walkable" in a developing country, but not here. Our streets are dug into the side of a cliff. Every direction from our house ends up being an uphill journey, thanks to the topography of local creeks. We live in a commuter community anyways, but our neighborhood especially requires access to a car or access to compassion from someone with a car.

I can't remember if it was right before we moved into the house or right after, but sometime this summer I printed off Google Maps pages showing every house of worship near us. The closest ones are just shy of 2 miles. For a neighborhood titled by the county as an "Urban Growth Area (UGA)" those maps were my pictorial representation of what it looks like to be an "unchurched" county.

Just about every day we drive past a large parcel of re-zoned land, home to an upcoming development. I finally found the details through a Zillow announcement yesterday that 240 homesites are ready for purchase/building. The picture below is from the developer's website, clearly showing our little church-less neighborhood:

In 2014, our neighborhood had a population of 480 people. (That was the last time the city tried to annex our neighborhood, but didn't.) I couldn't find any updated numbers, but I can see four houses that were built after 2014 from my window. It feels like our community is already growing, but with 240 new homes it may be ready to double. I think that our neighborhood is following the same trend as our county, pictured here:

Charts and graphs aside, we love our neighborhood by being the Church. We've only scratched the surface of meeting our community. So far our primary way of meeting our community has been working on the unruly fence and front yard. The way we engage our community is by writing the details of our next party on a door and leaning it against the house. A literal interior door is our signal that our door will be open for anyone. It's cheesy and makes my husband cringe a little, but it's how our down-the-hill community knows there will be a party.

It's easy to spend time with the friendly neighbors with similar family structure and sleep schedules. It's fun to share baked goods and celebrate in the backyard or living room. And the Art Show! The "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors" Art Show was one of my favorite days of, well basically ever.

We haven't done much of the hard stuff yet, but we're ready. It helps that one of us is always home. We've driven neighbors up the hill to the bus stop and into town for kid's doctor appointments. We've shared our grief openly and been humbly comforted by those who have an opposite belief system. 

The previous owner, Chelsea, left a heart-shaped chalkboard sign with some of her garden supplies. It hangs next to our literal front door with the quote "the Christian community is to treat everyone with dignity." It's a quote from the book Everyday Church by Tim Chester & Steve Timmis. Beau & I both read the book again this Spring for book clubs we were part of at our local church. It's our written reminder to be kind to all who enter our house, invited or not. We entertain all kinds of guests at our humble house on the cliffside. We see our home as an extension of our family, able to show Christ's love by listening, praying or just enjoying a cheese plate. 

We love imperfectly. We do everything imperfectly. But, we try. Since we're loved perfectly, we step out and take big risks in love.

• We love our neighbors because Jesus tells us to: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Mark 12:31 
• We love our neighbors because they are people, made in God's image. "So God created man and woman in his own image, male and female he created them."  Genesis 1:27
• We love because love shows the world who Jesus is. "We love because He (Jesus) first loved us." 1 John 4:19
• We love in the little details, like making change for bus fare. "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me." Matthew 25:35&36 

I would love for all of my favorite people to join us in this neighborhood. I keep pushing out real estate listings to friends thinking about moving already. But the reality is that God is at work in the cliffs. Whether our friendlies join us here or not, God is building the Church as Heaven comes to earth. 

We get a front-row view here on the edge of the cliff at the edge of the continent. We're loving our neighbors and our neighbors to come. We're trusting that God's plans are for glory, for humanity restored in relationship with God forever. We choose to love.

reading as a family

Advent built in a habit of starting the day with text. Inspired text is different than a parenting or church-planting guidebook, of course, but the rhythm and process of reading speaks to the soul nonetheless. There's a routine and comfort to reading. And while we won't be practicing lectio divina with my husband's new StarWars book, there's still a calm pleasure from a good book.

This holiday season has reminded us of how much we love reading. Most of the books on the left and center have been finished already, plus all of the other board books that made it up to our son's nursery. We're so blessed that we would love to share. These are the books that made it into the "library bin" instead of being put away.

I'm making an effort to read more. It started this summer, during nap times at our tall house on the side of the freeway. The reading habit regained strength when we lost our baby in October and I needed things to do with my grieving mind. I've found that my inner student doesn't even need a "good" book to enjoy, so I spent part of this break reading a local Christmas romance novel compilation. We live in a literary society with an embarrassing amount of text available, so I'm grateful for the thoughtful book selection from our family this Christmas. Here's more info about each book, if you're interested. (This is not a sponsored post, just a picture of books on our dining room table and links to the websites where I think each gift came from.)

Pictured above are the following books we read or will read:

A pretty book that looks like it's for kids, until you realize just how deep this "well-known" poem digs into human existence.


Another book for our sweet little one with larger implications of justice and kindness. His dear auntie hopes that he will be passionate and treating all humans with dignity and restoring families who are broken by government systems. Our first attempt at coloring ended up with Sharpie lines all over the couch, though, so for now we talk about the pictures and pray for children separated from their families.


This is the one we picked out for our little explorer. We want all of the kids in our house to see science as a way of life, with pathways for anyone to become a professional scientist. And mama needs to practice more science vocabulary in Spanish to be a better Guatemalan teacher, so this sturdy book is perfecto for our collection. Since we bought this one, I know it came from our local bookstore: Liberty Bay Books.

My mom found this incredible compilation of adventure stories, photos and inspiration. I read the whole book in one and a half sittings on Christmas Eve. Then, thoroughly enjoyed our family Christmas hike into the DNR land between our house and school. We live in a ridiculously blessed landscape and I'm ready to spend more days without cell reception in 2020! God always speaks to me the most clearly in the wildness and wilderness. I'm excited for the opportunities to be in Creation and with Creation this year, recognizing the raw beauty of mountains and hiking companions.


This is the book that I put on my wishlist hoping that a sister or sister-in-law would pick. (My sister-in-law is reading her own copy right now, actually). So, I was a little surprised when my mother-in-law wrapped it up. I finished it within 24 hours, it's that good. Good, because it's challenging: The kind of challenging where you feel like a friend is telling you how hard and good obedience to our loving God can be. Rachel's passing this year was sad for the entire Evangelical community this year. Her prophetic voice continues ringing clearly. Praise our good God!



This one surprised me, too. A book about mindfulness from my mom! I am saving this one for right before school starts, since I know that my reactive parenting is a bigger deal in the classroom right now than at home. It's easier for me to be patient with a snuggly one-year-old who looks like my best friend than it is to be the "safe person" for teenagers in trauma. Here's hoping our Little Love benefits from the lessons in this book, too.


My husband put this book on his list because it's written by one of his seminary professors. We still live as church planters in our cliff-side community. There's not a church in "walking distance" of our home. But, there are a number of starter homes and manufactured homes for sale in the neighborhood, if anyone wants to come join the movement! ;)


And speaking of church-planting...This year our focus is on dinner. We're committing to open our home for people who need dinner, whether they are like us or not. On the flipside, we'll go to dinner when we're invited, too. I don't know what this will look like, yet, so we'll see. Our immediate community is our mission focus and we're trying to figure out where our "team" is and how to worship God together. Hopefully more stories to come...


And last of all, a book for Beau. He picked it out at our aforementioned favorite local bookstore, Liberty Bay Books. I'm told it "fills in the gaps" between two movies, but I can't remember which ones. I love my nerd. He's the best.

And not pictured:


So, there you have it, friends. Email me if you want to borrow any of these, we should be done with the first read by January ;)

We're looking for a good family Bible reading plan for the new year, too. Something that is toddler-attention-span-friendly. Let me know if you have any leads.
4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Christmas in America

I've spent every Christmas of my life in the same nation. My understanding of the celebration is culturally American. My biases are from a lifetime with one set of traditions. The last few years, I've used the phrase "commercial Christmas" with friends and family to describe the mainstream American Christmas habits and attitudes. But my heart is longing for a different, simpler set of traditions.

I love the cards that trickle in all December long, updating us on the lives of dear ones. I love the lights and ornaments, turning dreary nights into sparking wonderlands. And I love the time with friends and family, the good food and the good drinks. That's American Christmas, to me.

Christmas is about God re-writing the course of history.

We love our family too much to make Christmas be about our family. The celebration shifts to the restoration of a larger family, the Church. The coming of Jesus to earth changed everything. We don't need special foods or Amazon boxes to remember the scandalous arrival of the King. Our little family of three has used every dark December morning to read the Bible and wait.

We wait for a King who has come already and is coming again. We wait with the tension of "already" and "not yet." We rejoice in hope. We mourn with those continuing to suffer. We fight for freedom from the darkness. We claim the victory of the Light.

Perfect celebrations don't happen on Earth. So, here in the not yet, we'll go to local church tomorrow and again on Tuesday. We'll spend days with family and eat good food as we look forward to the reunification of God and the Church. We pray, we wait, we serve, and we love. We know that God wins.

That's how I want to celebrate Christmas.

Whatever traditions you use to celebrate Christ's arrival, preach this hope. However you spend Tuesday, worship the King. Rejoice! The God of Abraham made a way for the poor and oppressed. You are spiritually poor. You need this Savior. And if you're not physically poor, you can help those who are. You can be one who shares Light, too. You can be one who speaks Hope. You can be one who spreads Peace.

Friends, I'm tired of the Church wasting Christmas. I'm tired of American Christ-followers ensnared in political arguments. Stop living like we're from America. Start living like we're from Heaven. Please, Church, spend Christmas living like our King. Please love our God. Please love your neighbors.

the church is not a family

Jesus didn't die for me: Jesus died for the Church. God's plan for all creation was perfect from the start. Then, sin ushered death into the world. God's redemption and restoration work became the better way. God restored hope for all humanity, particularly rescuing the Bride of Christ, the Church (Ephesians 5:25-32).

For those that respect a sermon more if it's sprinkled with Greek words: ἐκκλησία.
 It's a feminine noun. A singular name, applying to people in a group. Without the group, there is no Church. In some contexts in the New Testament, the name is applied to those who love Christ in a place. But it's not applied to a group of people with a preference. The Church is the Church. 

Contemporary American theology gets stuck in this idea of individualized faith. We distort passages like Paul's claim that "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost" (1 Timothy 1:12). Pretending that Christ died for one person alone is an arrogant, egocentric and narrowing view of the Creator God. This view limits the power of our Great King and pardons ourselves from loving our neighbor.

When I think that Jesus died for me, specifically, I'm able to question if he also will rescue and restore those I disagree with. It's easy to tease a friend from "another church" or judge another "church family" this way. But the Church is not an extended family, able to bicker around the Thanksgiving table. The Church is a single Body (Colossians 1:15-23) with Christ as the head. Why do we waste time arguing with one another over petty disagreements and structure superimposed by ourselves? We're not arguing as brothers and sisters. We're the very Bride of Christ, an integrated body (1 Corinthians 12:12- 31). Being an individual member of the Church is to be part of the entire, global Church throughout time.

I have been hurt in so many circumstances by people within the Church who forget their identity as the Bride. Disagreements within the Church cut my soul because we are One in Christ. Rules beyond the rules of the Bible limit our shared freedom in Christ (Galatians 5:1). Don't treat me like your little sister, but grow with me in understanding our great King, our blessed Bridegroom (2 Timothy 4:1-5). Let us allow each follower of Christ to love and serve as Christ calls them, for Christ is calling us, together as the Church.  

The Church is imperfect. The Church has hurt me, is hurting me, and will hurt me again. The Church is in constant need of Jesus' grace, being "cleansed by the washing of water with the word" as it says in Ephesians 5:26. For those currently hurt by the Church, I'm sorry. Hold deeply to the promises in the Scripture. Cling to our Identity in Christ, together.

 Peter writes of the Church in Rome metaphorically, as a woman in Babylon, ministering from the ruins of a nation that represented former slavery (1 Peter 5:13). John cautions against those who stand in the way of the Truth, that the Church is to follow Jesus alone (3 John 9). The Church is a beautifully dangerous person. Paul writes virtually the same personalized reminder at the beginning and end of each letter, encouraging the Church in her holy Identity. My favorite picture of unity within the very person of the Church is the backstory for the letter to Philemon: asking a Church leader to welcome back the fugitive (Onesimus) who personally hurt him in the past (Philemon 8-20).

So this Advent season, as our human-made traditions attempt to further divide us within sanctuary walls, let us rally around our Rescued Identity. Let us cling to the Cross of our Savior Bridegroom. "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for God who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day is drawing near." (Hebrews 10:23-25). Be the Church. Join the Church. Love as the Church.

benched

There are deep wounds that threaten to define us. Tiny stories from times we were small, when little hurts could change who we became. Over time, these little scars become delicately and terribly woven into our very identities. The scars shape how we interpret every interaction if we forget our real identity: rescued by the deepest wounds of all.

I'm feeling hurt by how my local church benched my family.

Sure, on paper it makes sense. We're continuing to weather a sad transition, losing a baby and suspending our foster application. I'm not minimizing our loss. We need time and space to grieve. But we can serve and heal. We can share as we cry. We don't need to cloister into our mission base home and ignore the needs around us. We don't need to be benched. We need reinforcements.

The scars of being told, "no, not yet" and "no, not you" are bleeding. They're bleeding with reminders of how needs have gone unmet and messages untold. I don't claim to be the only voice that can share the Gospel to my neighborhood. But who is going to do it? Bench our family, not our mission.

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3

mourning

Lazarus died and Jesus wept. John 11:35 says so.

But to weep is not to wallow.

Many friends have mourned with us as we mourn. (Romans 12:15) They comfort us, counsel us and lift us up in prayer. We are so grateful.

We're not expecting time to stand still. We continue living and loving. We continue getting up each day and embracing the life that we still have. We won't hit pause, because life hasn't stopped. We continue to cry over Whisper, the baby we never got to meet. But we also cry for our living friends who are choosing to walk away from God's love. We cry for those hurting around us. We mourn those living and lost.

Our grief cannot become our idol. Our grief will not consume us. Only God consumes us.

Thank you to all who have waded into our mourning. Praise be to God that the Gospel is LIFE. Praise be to God that the Gospel brings HOPE. Praise be to God for the strength to enter every day with a full heart.

timelessness

My husband and I were talking about the things he sees on Twitter. America is clearly divided, both within and beyond the Church. The divisions seem even stronger on the Internet.He shared a comment from someone that neither of us know personally. Then he shared the troll comments from someone else we don't know either. We talked about Complementarianism and Gospel.

Here's what we disagree about: Division

I think division is natural and good for the Church. Division is part of Church history, with the clear examples being the Reformation, the schisms which produced Orthodoxy, and current subdivisions within our own familiar American denominations. The Church has been divided throughout history, beginning with the Garden and ending with the City.

The reality, however, is Christ. (Colossians 2:17)

So, as male leaders of churches in America say terrible things to and about female leaders of churches in America, I won't be surprised. This is the nature of sin. The Church is not exempt, constantly requiring the "washing of water through the word" as a Bride who always questions her value and needs reassurance She is lovely. As members of the "church" defend the indefensible words and actions of sinners trapped in sin, I won't be shocked, either. It's part of our birth story, blaming others and trying to justify away our poor behavior.

Gospel is what happens next. Our salvation isn't in our words, our actions, our attitudes towards one another. Salvation comes from Jesus' sacrifice alone. We can't look to a leader, ANY LEADER, to show us salvation. We can't trust a leader within the Church and we certainly can't look to a political leader.

In the controversy in question, I'd encourage those who disagree with me to dig in to your Bible and see what Jesus said to women. Jesus had very harsh words, but reserved them for male leaders of the church who were leading their congregations away from God's plans of restoration. Jesus sought out women who were leaders and women in the margins. Jesus reminded society of their value as individuals, able to be restored and rescued with grace. Don't take my word for it, but scour the Word to determine the Heart of Christ.

I'm not looking to join any debate. Instead, I want those who follow Jesus to lean deeply into the Bible. Talk to God in prayer and see how you are called to love your neighborhood.

Division sifts Truth from the pedestrian lies that we cling to instead for comfort. Truth is never comfortable. Truth empowers us to seek and provide forgiveness. Truth prevails.

I've left out most of the Bible references for these ideas because I want anyone interacting with this post to do the digging. I want you to see what the Bible says about following. I want you to see what the Bible says about loving. I want you to see what the Bible says about listening, and who to listen to. Examine the company that you keep. Examine the advisors that you respect. Repent and draw near to Jesus.

This is the beauty of the Gospel. We are sinners, broken and in need of life. We have damaged the relationship created by God and intended for us all along. We cannot become better or even good enough on our own, with our families, or with our churches. We need the blood of Jesus Christ to pay for our individual and collective sin. And Jesus loves us so completely that we can be restored, completely and perfectly, through faith. We can live in this new reality, imperfect still for now. We can love, imperfectly, as a shadow of Jesus.

I don't need to be 100% right. God's Truth is timeless. You don't need to agree with me, I'm probably wrong on some counts. God's Truth is timeless. There's grace for our weaknesses. There's love for our neighbor who wrongs us. There's love for our neighbor who is wrong. There's love for us when we are wrong.

whisper

When we pray in faith for miracles, the miracle is faith itself.

I am still struggling with the idea of faith. I still struggle with the hope of the Gospel. It's the struggle of humanity, sure. But I'm struggling as a mama who wanted so badly for the baby inside me to be alive. I am trusting that God is good. I am trusting that God loves us deeply.

We sing a song in church about waiting in silence for God. I felt that weight the long days between our first inconclusive ultrasound and finally getting to talk with the OB. I resonated with the lyric "you breathe life where there is none." I sang this song in the crowd at church the last week I was able to go, tears streaming down my face with the hope that the God who created the little life inside me could make it come back to life after all. But that's not what happened.

My soul stings with mourning still, two short weeks after a phone call confirmed that we would never get to meet our baby. I wanted to be "better" by now, unsure of what that looks like. I wanted to move on and be ready to love the alive people surrounding me. I want to love my neighbors, but for now I keep saying "soon" or "not yet" to every invitation. Maybe my heart will hurt less next week. Maybe I'll be ready for people and parties. Maybe the mourning will turn to joy. Just not yet.

Today was the kind of beautifully sad day that people who like Fall romanticize. I have never liked Fall. I like the start of school. I like Cougar football. Otherwise, I always say that I'm mourning the loss of Summer. Now, even saying that seems irreverent and irrelevant. I spent the commute home today weeping with the wind and the rain, mourning the baby that never got a heartbeat and mourning the future that our family only dreamed for a few weeks this September. I mourned like the Fall.

I saw friends post their candle pictures and epitaphs to babies never met for the #waveoflight on Tuesday. I cried with friends in person, over the phone, and with tender text messages sent with prayers and kind emojis. When friends and family ask what we need, I keep asking for prayers because we don't know what we need. We have the gentle and raw support of community, praying over our marriage and our family. We don't need any more baked goods or offers to take our kid. We just need time together as a family right now.

We named our baby Whisper. Driving home from the hospital, I asked Beau if that could be baby's name, since we only just heard about it before learning it was gone. I told him that baby Whisper wouldn't have to worry about getting teased in middle school for their name since they wouldn't have to go to middle school. We're trying to make jokes, but our hearts are too sad for them to be funny. Baby Whisper never had to experience pain, so we're grateful for that.

The other reason for baby Whisper's name though, is a story tucked into 1st Kings. Elisha hides in a mountain cave, waiting to hear from God. There's a whirlwind and a tornado, first, but then God's overwhelming and awesome presence is felt in a whisper. That's how God is speaking to us now.

We've experienced the whirlwind, trying to prepare our family for foster care and a baby on the way. We've experienced the earthquake, hearing the results of ultrasounds and blood draws.
Now we're listening for the whisper.

We prayed for a specific miracle.

God revealed something deeper and greater.

Thank you, friends, for your prayers.

when I can't

Tonight, I cried out praying that I can't. But, God is consistent always. God's love is unchanging. My emotions this week are deep and powerful, primal even. The biggest sadnesses, the greatest pains, the most powerful anger, all of these can find rest in the eternal love of a Good Maker.

When I say "I can't", God says "I AM".

It's been a rough last few weeks. I would have been tired anyways, returning to full-time classroom work. Then, we found out happy news at the start of last month, but the morning sickness lasted all day long for every day of the month. And now that we know for sure the baby won't be joining us in May, the emotions are stronger than any other part of me.

In everything, God is good.

We are going to keep crying. We are going to keep praying for strength. We will need time. We will need help. We won't always trust the bigger plan from our good God. But God will always be good.

room for more

Feels like our whole year has been about preparing room. First, we decided that our little yellow house didn't have enough room. Then, we worked like crazy to get those rooms nice enough for a new family to want them. We lived in a few different spots in the in-between time, getting ready for our own set of keys to the tall green house. But, even then we weren't ready to fill the rooms. It took hours of removing, cleaning, painting and flooring before everyone in the family got to truly move in.

Now, "My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?" John 14:2

We bought this specific house so we could host foster children as a respite family. Last night, I screwed together the new crib. Each day this week, one more box shows up on our doorstep, the final pieces to prepare our house for licensing. We're so close.

Then, three weeks ago, a little blue test told us to start making room for another baby who won't just stay for a weekend. It's hard not to get overwhelmed, thinking about all of the changes to our little family so quickly. I spent nights googling how to fit three carseats into multiple different kinds of cars and small SUVs.

Now, today thickens the plot. Doctor visit after doctor visit makes it seem like we won't get to meet the newest baby here after all. I'm really struggling with this picture of rooms. Maybe this baby gets to the house with many rooms, first.

Either way, the struggling feels tangible right now. Death continues to think it has victory.
“Where, O death, is your victory?

    Where, O death, is your sting?”[a]

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

That's what Jesus gets to do. The room-preparer. He gets to look death in the eye and say, "you're powerless." Now, I just need to continue remembering that God's plans are redemptive. We're praying for Life to win for our little one, and knowing that all Life comes from God.

And as we wait for tests and doctors, we're one fire extinguisher and one medicine cabinet lock away from kids joining our family even sooner. Praise God who makes all things good. Even as we live in the midst of the mess. Heartaches and hopes. Praise with tears.

the dirt

I bought this pile of dirt yesterday. It's a proud monument to our lives in transition. This pile of dirt has invited more neighbors to stop and talk than any single thing we've done to the new house, so far. Friends have come over in a nonstop caravan of cardboard delivery. This is about to become a garden with trees and berry bushes and benches for conversation. This space is about to be teeming with intentional messy life.

However, the unfinished mountain embarrasses my proud gardening soul. Sure, I see the potential, the hope and the finished product. But I also see the GIANT PILE OF DIRT. I have a hard time getting past the GIANT PILE OF DIRT that is in the middle of the yard. There's not even supposed to be dirt in the middle, actually. There's supposed to be a cute little path in the center of the yard. For now, it's DIRT.

There's no point in hiding our progress in the yard. We took down the fence, so it's on display for the entire neighborhood. We have to live out our yard-making in public. GIANT PILE OF DIRT and all.

I've been reading Everyday Church by Tim Chester & Steve Timmis. It's a book about living in deep, messy, real community to show everyone how God loves everyone. Maybe that's why the GPD (giant pile of dirt) is such a big deal for me this morning:I know that there are challenges we need to work through as a family. We're still pretty new together. I guess I'm still scared to live in a way that anyone can see us struggle together. I'm too proud most days to admit that we're sitting on a GPD of our lives.

And that's the biggest lie I'm believing: that this mess is ours. The hope of the Gospel is that Jesus took on sin itself. Jesus takes our dirt and does the heavy lifting; Jesus makes us beautiful and alive. I'm still here on my front porch looking at literal dirt and making a mental list of all of the sin habits that my family needs to "clean up". The Gospel truth is ringing in the GIANT PILE OF DIRT for anyone who will listen.

We're forgiven and restored in Jesus. Literally, made new, made healthy. I know I'll need to be reminded of this process, even when the yard looks less like a GIANT PILE OF DIRT and more like a garden. I'll need time to sit and pray in the garden. I'll need time to recognize my sin and weakness. I'll need time to acknowledge our Savior. And, even more, we'll have time together as a family and a community to work out our belonging with God. I'm so excited for the community this garden is already creating. I'm humbled and grateful for the help of friends and neighbors. And I'm starting to recognize God's own hand in every moment of the process.

the hardest thing

Motherhood is not the hardest thing I've ever attempted, instead, it's the daily battle to overcome my own sin nature. I get so tired, like physically tired, being the safe home for a little one. It's hard to have a good attitude when I've been bit yet again, or when the meal I just cooked gets thrown on the floor. My neighbor gave me a mug that says "Raising Tiny Humans is Exhausting" and I turned that into my parenting motto. Motherhood reveals my sin nature.

But so does being a wife. Being loved by my husband shows off my selfishness. I find myself complaining to him, about him, about our son, about my job, about our house... I find myself complaining a lot. Family life has exposed my grumbliness.

I'm not sure I would have noticed this on my own. But, Beau is talking about Philippians 2 at church tomorrow and he let me proof his sermon. My heart is most convicted of my habit of complaining (the grumbliness I had written off as OK for a new mom).

Here's what it says:

"12 So then, my dear friends, just as you have always obeyed, not only in my presence but even more in my absence, continue working out your salvation with awe and reverence, 13 for the one bringing forth in you both the desire and the effort – for the sake of his good pleasure – is God. 14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God without blemish though you live in a crooked and perverse society, in which you shine as lights in the world 16by holding on to the word of life so that on the day of Christ I will have a reason to boast that I did not run in vain nor labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice together with all of you. 18 And in the same way you also should be glad and rejoice together with me." -Philippians 2:12-18 NET Bible

When I started writing this post a few weeks ago, it was a post about motherhood. This idea started as my personal conviction to stop writing off exhaustion as an excuse for sinful mindsets. I knew that even though it's hard to raise little ones, the harder thing is to trust God. I knew that the problem was sin (my sin, mostly) and the answer was Jesus. But, as these ideas have run up against Scripture, I realize that I was trying to brag about my spirituality in a convoluted way.

So, here's my confession laid bare:
My fear and trembling is worry for my son, for my husband, for myself. I don't use waking hours to think about, to talk about, to intentionally conisder salvation.  I spend so much time right now trying to keep our house running, trying to tie up all of our loose ends before I go back to work in September, that I haven't even been paying attention to who or what I'm obeying. I've become proud in my complaining, so much so that I don't think I look like a blameless and pure child of God to anyone at the moment. My limits of belief get in the way of obeying the word of life that is so accessible to me, as a woman in 2019 America. I feel like I am being poured out, but not like a drink offering. I feel like I'm being poured out into an 8-oz Phillips Avent bottle, only to be changed in a size 4 diaper. I'm not that shiny right now.

But by the same token, here's my hope:
I am confident this race isn't meaningless. Yeah, I'm really tired. We have too many irons in the fire, but they are good irons. As a family, we've committed to obeying God's word and committed to praying for and loving our community. Within our larger community, I'm surrounded by saints who challenge me to put my eyes back on Jesus. Yet, the greatest hope is God's very love.

Just today, I was carrying our kid back from the ferry after a long day of adventure in the city. I asked him, "Hold onto Mama," hoping that he wouldn't feel so heavy with his arms draped around my neck. He grasped his little hand around my thumb. I complained. But I carried him.

Later, after a coffee and a nap, the Holy Spirit brought that story into focus. I asked a one-year-old to hold onto me, and he did. That's often the best that I can do when God asks for my trust: I grab a thumb. My son was always held, as I am by our loving God. I'm held on days I work out salvation with fear and trembling. I'm held on days I only grumble. That's the beauty of God's love. That's why we can rejoice. We are held by love that conquers death. 

We are beloved. We are made pure and blameless by Christ's sacrifice. The hardest things fade away in this glorious love. Christ wins, always.

Summer Booklist

-One of my favorite summer traditions is building a booklist just before the school year wraps up. This year, k us
I tried to select a manageable number of easier to read books. Each day is a little more special, checking the mailbox to see what is arriving!

Here's my list (so far):
1) Placemaker by Christine Purifoy

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/031035224X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

2)The God Who Sees Immigrants by Karen Gonzales

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/151380412X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1


3)One Coin Found by Emmy Kegler

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1506448216/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

4) Everyday Church by Steve Timmis and Tim Chester

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1433532220/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1


If you would like to borrow any of these when they are finished, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. Books are best when shared. (In fact, I ordered every book used since they weren't yet stocked at our local library.) The positive peer pressure of returning a book always helps me prioritize reading, so don't be shy if you'd love to borrow one of these next!9-

life in the Heights

Anywhere else, our neighborhood name would seem fancy: Sherman Heights. Our little corner of county was platted in the 1880s, right before Washington became a state. As far as I know, the original structures are long gone. Some older cabins cling to the cliffs and creek. Manufactured and mobile homes fill most of the tiny lots. The newest houses are right beneath our property, with the foundation being dug this week for one. One neighbor filled us in on his accounts of the neighborhood history before the condos were built, at least. This neighborhood has more legend than history, though, so it's tricky to know what actually happened in this sliver of hillside that has been traded from Port Orchard to Bremerton and now back to the county.

I love living in these types of in-between communities. The view is so unique, with trees allowing peek-a-boo glimpses of the Sound. The constant hum of the highway below reminds us that our community is always in transition. Everyone is going somewhere else. In a way, that reminder makes it seem even sweeter to rest. There's a sacred call to be.

Most of the must-do indoor projects are finished or nearly finished. My gardener heart is ready to grade the yard, to add good soil, to plant a few trees that will tell everyone around us that it's good to stay. I continue to be challenged by Jesus' upper room directive to his best friends: Abide in me. Our house in the heights is really just wood and windows, with some wire and insulation. We're trying to transform it into a place where people can encounter and abide in Jesus (ourselves included).

“I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. 2 He takes away every branch that does not bear fruit in me. He prunes everybranch that bears fruit so that it will bear more fruit. 3 You areclean already because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. Just as the branch cannotbear fruit by itself, unless it remains in the vine, so neither can youunless you remain in me.5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me – and I in him – bears much fruit, because apart from me you can accomplish nothing. "

-John 15:1-5 NET Bible