discovering sin

Driving home tonight to a pile of 9th grade projects, I was presenting my case to God of why I should be raising my own family right now. As always, I lost. God is always right and my ideas (that I think are for my best) are selfish and miss the mark entirely.

What it came down to is that I desire worshipers. Now, there were many intermediate parts of this argument. But, in the end, I realized that I desire subjects who will adore me in my strengths and ignore my weaknesses.

So, Father God in His deep, knowing love showed me the depth of sin holding on to my heart. It's been a good week, but a long week. A week of staying til 5 every night and still not being done. Even now, after a half day of work, I am still staring down 15 projects that I brought home. (There are 25 more on my desk still at the classroom).

Yet, God doesn't rub our faces in our sin. No way! He shows us that our selfishness was weakness. That His ways are higher, better, the only way.

Instead, He gives us deep holy truth that changes us. Listening to a sermon from the Village Church in Denton, TX. All about worship. Gospel.

Truth that echoes the messages from 1 Corinthians I've been hearing all summer. Messages of Truth and grace.

Lord, use me for Your glory. Move through me. Your will be done.

Restorers CREATE

Reading and re-reading Next Christians by Gabe Lyons, there's a list of characteristics of a "restorer". One characteristic is that restorers create.

Yesterday, Megan and I banked on the weather forecast from Monday and planned a crazy adventure for Saturday.

In the morning, we ran in the Freedom 5k. It's a fundraiser race started by some of our friends. All funds go to organizations that fight human trafficking. Apostle friends in action, starting programs and building systems that rescue people into the family.

Then, we drove to a beautiful mountain. In the car, Megan reminded me of a quote she created this spring: "What if God isn't calling us to better behavior, but to bigger belief?" We wrestled again with this idea, confident that it came from our Creator. Wow. What does it look like to live a life of bigger belief? We talked about our brokenness, the humbling process, the ways that God draws us deeper into Himself. And then we made it to the mountain!

With four other friends (two of whom I'll be traveling to Barahona and Port-Au-Prince with in November) we quickly scaled Mt. Storm King. I wish I would have brought my camera. The view brings praise to the real Creator. Green forests. Towering waterfalls. A deep, glacier-carved blue lake. Peaks pointing to Heaven. The Strait of Juan de Fuca lapping onto Vancouver Island. Perfection.

Creating fellowship, the six of us had dinner at a local-owned diner in Port Angeles. Talking about smart phones, marrow donation, and God's goodness we created some memories, too. Grateful to never do the mission alone.

Today, I was reminded of the deep blessings God pours into my life. Bagel date with one friend. Bible study launch with some student friends. Sweet hours of painting. Time (actual time!) to tend to my yard and garden. Dinner with a dear friend. Chocolate almond raspberry brownies for three sets of dessert guests. Father, thank you for the good life.

Our pastor shared a message from 1 Corinthians 13 & 14 today. A beautiful, direct interpretation about how to use our Spirit-given gifts to build up the Church and bring God glory. Today was one of those days. One of those days where God let me see the Church in action. We genuinely are people becoming the Church. People called to bigger belief.

Oh Father, bring tomorrow! So excited for another week of following a Good Shepherd. Directing my own flock to follow the Father. Speaking Truth in love, without desiring personal affirmation or approval. Praying for Heaven to pour into Earth and God be glorified. Yearning for a revival that leaves our community healed and commissioned. Yes!

"Fear not little flock, for it is the Father's Good pleasure to give you the Kingdom." -Jesus

victorious spirit

That's what my name means. It's a Latin name for "a crown of laurel". The wreath they gave to winners.

Maybe that's why I like winning so much. My desire is to be a crown.

But when you follow Jesus, you don't often get to win on this world. The victory is unseen sometimes.

"I must become less so that He can become greater."

What if I were called to lose?

But.. but, I have a victorious spirit! How do I change that? I'm a crown. I'm the prize. I'm not just a winner, I am the reward for the winner.

Father, teach me humility. Help me look to Jesus so that I could look like Jesus, live like Jesus, love like Jesus.

He is the victorious one. With Him the victory is sure.

epics on school nights

I am grateful for the adventure friends of my life.

For the Julia Langdals, the work friend who helped log 300 miles in Glacier AND present God's Word every week at our worship services in Glacier in 2006.

For the Jesse Kappmeyers, the between college degrees climbing bum who introduced me to the rugged beauty of Idaho during the winter of 2007, even though the snow was just plain awful that year!

For the Amanda Conrads, my person who will always listen to a good vent even if it means driving all the way to Spokane, or flying to WA from TN.

For the Nicole Barrie Floods, the co-laborer who vowed with me to never sleep in our homes on a weekend during the glorious grad-school summer of 2007.

For the Jason Kelleys, the stranger who met up at Central Market on a random Saturday morning because a mutual friend suggested we go hiking.

For the Shannon Billing Freedmans, the roommate who was usually game for a night run, or a climbing afternoon, or a summit daytrip, or a New Year's trip to the Redwoods.

For the Sasha Childers, the student friend who inspires me to be a better leader and go running to get my attitude focused on the issues that really matter.

For the John Rarigs, the family members that let me tag along on adventures every once in a while.

For the Megan Sheppards, the crazy ones that will go along with ideas that other people shoot down: like leaving the climbing gym because its nice out, only to circle Green Mountain in a car and end up sunset kayaking instead.

Any adventure is good when it ends with breaking into your own house using a screwdriver and a butterknife...

On nights like this, I really appreciate the friends God has blessed me with.
Thank you, Father, for never making me run this race alone.

outside the camp

Just finished reading Leviticus. The rules, the reasons, the details, and everything. As I read about the rituals, especially the parts about how to distribute the blood of animals, I prayed that God would make the laws apply to my relationship with Him.

So, He let me see myself as unclean.

Not just in a spiritual way. In a fleas and headlice way.

Saturday night, I literally slept in a tent in Megan's yard.

But thank You, Lord, for hope and cleansing.

I'm thankful for time to sort out details of my trip to the DR (and Haiti now too!)
I'm thankful for time to call so many friends and catch up.
I'm thankful for time to see myself for who I am. And even more for who He is.

Listening to a MH sermon right now about Luke 17: Jesus spends time with the outcasts. With those unclean.

Lord, don't make me comfortable in this time. Make me holy.

And don't let me pass on fleas or headlice!

true

And the last of the drafts stored on my profile:


Maybe I'm legalistic and judgmental, but lately I've been really irritated by people who claim to love Jesus.

This morning, my Bible said that

“I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me – and I in him – bears much fruit, because apart from me you can accomplish nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is thrown out like a branch, and dries up; and such branches are gathered up and thrown into the fire, and are burned up. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want, and it will be done for you. My Father is honored by this, that you bear much fruit and show that you are my disciples.

“Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you; remain in my love. If you obey my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete. My commandment is this – to love one another just as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this – that one lays down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that remains, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you. This I command you – to love one another." - John 15

Why is it so hard to "go and bear fruit"? In very simple words, Jesus tells us what to do. And He tells us how to do it. Why does it seem that so few people love Jesus?

My heart breaks when I see people wearing Jesus' name on their reputation, then disowning Him with their actions. How are we to love them?

Dog-sitting

from the snow storm of 2008:


One of my favorite Bible verses is in Matthew 28, right at the end of the Great Commission:
"..and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

In my limited years of adulthood, I've noticed that Thanksgiving marks the beginning of "Couple Season." It seems that so many friends and acquaintances are falling in love. And who could blame them-the Holidays are the perfect time for romance and idealism. It's exciting to watch new relationships form, to hear excitement in friends' voices, to try on bridesmaid dresses, to purchase plane tickets for summer weddings. I rejoice with those who rejoice this Christmas.

At the same time, I am snowed in and dog-sitting.

But, instead of basking in loneliness, I choose to relish the love of my Savior. He calls me by name, "Lo, I'm with you always." There will be no first kisses this Holiday, but my Savior holds true to His promises. He never leaves.

Maybe this Christmas is romance-less to remind me of the true Lover of my soul. The real reason for Christmas:

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)

confetti

Another blog post that never made it past my drafts:

A couple of years ago, my friend Kyle and I were driving from Pullman, WA to Moscow, ID. We were probably sophomores in college. Thinking we were deep and wise. Thinking we had the world figured out. And maybe we did.

I remember the conversation about plans for our lives. My world was in the process of being rocked. I remember saying, "it's like God takes our plans and tears them up. Turns them into confetti for His joy and glory."

This is a confetti week. Haha, really. In face of trials, there's joy!

Turns out, I'm not moving for six more weeks. But... all of my belongings are packed up already since I'm really productive when I get upset. Turns out, I will have plenty of weekends for adventure this summer. Turns out, I will be able to serve wholeheartedly as a youth pastor this year.

Oh wait, that's me making plans again!!!

God, come tear my plans to pieces. Make joyous confetti of my story. You've written a celebration. Help me walk in the parade of Your will. Mmmmm.

personality

I found this in the "drafts" tab of the new Blogger interface. Apparently, I amassed a collection of identity test results last Spring. So, here's who I am... according to multiple choice tests on the Internet:






Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a longer time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

Color Test - Results

Your Existing Situation Feels her position is threatened or not properly recognized by others and feels defensive. Determined to go after her goals despite her fear of bringing conflict upon himself. Your Stress Sources "Avoids pressure from others and insists on developing her individual independence. Wants to make up her own mind with resistance from others or outside forces, and needs the freedom to make her own decisions. Wants to be looked at as a wise individual whose opinions are respected, and has a hard time admitting she is wrong. Can be reluctant to accept or understand other people's opinions or point of view." Your Restrained Characteristics "Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence." "Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence." "Although she feels isolated and alone, she is afraid of forming deep, meaningful relationships. Is conceited and is easily offended." Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity. Your Desired Objective "Is intimidated by the activities going on around her. Conflict and disagreements tend to drain her and therefore she avoids those situations. Often times she will hide with plans and goals from others, because she fears they will openly attack her. she works out her plans in private so as not to cause any problems or trouble with others." Your Actual Problem His desire to be respected and to stand out from the crowd is not being satisfied and therefore she is feeling anxious. her normal friendly self is being held back and she refuses to become involved or participate with others in normal day to day activities. Your Actual Problem #2 Must protect herself from outside influences or she risks losing her independence and having restrictions placed on her. she wishes to be left alone ENFJ--Even more than the other Idealists, Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able - effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible. In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role. Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are. Teachers are highly sensitive to others, which is to say their intuition tends to be well developed. Certainly their insight into themselves and others is unparalleled. Without a doubt, they know what is going on inside themselves, and they can read other people with uncanny accuracy. Teachers also identify with others quite easily, and will actually find themselves picking up the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of those around them. Because they slip almost unconsciously into other people's skin in this way, Teachers feel closely connected with those around them, and thus show a sincere interest in the joys and problems of their employees, colleagues, students, clients, and loved ones. Mikhail Gorbachev, Oprah Winfrey, Pope John Paul II, Ralph Nader, John Wooden, and Margaret Mead are examples of Teacher Idealists. You Are Honest You are pure, moral, and adaptable. You tend to blend into your surroundings. Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends. You believe that you live a virtuous life... And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye. As a result, people tend to crave your approval. Results of your Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz You scored a total of  84 It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately. You’re the free spirit among your friends, voted most likely to do your own thing. You’d prefer a baby name that’s as unique and creative as you are, so you’ve trashed the top-10 lists and are looking more to art, literature, film, and foreign languages for inspiration. Think about these suggestions: Boy names: Pablo, Jules, Dashiell, Sebastian, Pollack, Xander, Ansel, Beck Girl names: Mercy, Cadence, Harlow, Frida, Aquinnah, Lolly, Ciara, Mabel

basking

Summer is really here.

Peaceful, cloudless days. The type of nights you can leave your window open.

And school is ready to begin. I am so excited for the new school year!!!

Day one will be about a new definition of science. I'm planning to tell my students that "science is using your passion to solve a problem." So very excited.

Therefore, I'll spend one more day... basking.

Basking in beautiful gifts of sunshine.
Basking in the glory of a King who loves us.
Basking in one more day of rest and preparation.
Basking in a blessed job at just the right time.

love it!