wake me up

What a month.

God is always faithful, even if I am usually impatient. This month has been no different. The month began with best friend moving and boyfriend leaving to California. Then, the month transitioned into medical side-effect crazy. The school year began, but I don't have a contract this year, so I don't have a classroom or students. I still don't have an address (except for using my parents' as a permanent address) and my personal "belongings" are spread out amongst four houses in Kitsap county and one house in West Africa. I'm not in Burkina Faso. It seems everyone I know is in some semblance of transition. Finally, the last week of the month I took a vacation with dear friend Kristen, to celebrate the fact that I can substitute teach in my own district.

What could possibly stay the same?

Jesus Christ.

In this season of ridiculous transition, my hope is Jesus Christ. The same. Today, yesterday, forever.

In this crazy month, my comfort comes from God's word and from God's people. I continue learning more about the rich traditions of the Church. I continue being challenged by mission-minded friends who see how the Gospel is living and active, responsive to every moment of society. I find strength in the wholeness of the Church-- not just a particular fellowship, but as the very Bride of the Savior.

In college, I listened to the band Green Day a lot. (In particular the two songs where they didn't cuss all the time.) The song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" is woven into other seasons of life, too.

Sophomore year, September had a lot of stress related to finding my fit in college ministry. Grad school year, my fiance and I chose this song as "our song"--which is kind of terrible if you think about it, since it's a really depressing song that didn't have too much to do with the circumstances of our relationship. Then, my first year of teaching, I held onto an unhealthy prediction that my ex-fiance and I would get back together in October.

I don't think I've listened to or thought of the song since.

But today, on September 30, 2012, I have a lot of hope.

September is over.

God has been faithful, just like He always is.

Stanley arrived safely home last night, after a 19 hour motorcycle trip from his training in LA. Amanda is settling in to her new job and new town. Kristen's husband is back from his sailing adventure, so they are returning to Montana. I have a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in each night, by the gracious hospitality of my parents. School in Riahlo will start tomorrow morning, even if I am not there. I have a packet of paperwork to mail off tomorrow, so my entire ticket price can be refunded. And, God has blessed me with an interim job as a substitute teacher.

It's fitting that today is Sabbath. God tried to convince me to rest all month long. Only now can I finally rest in Him.

Please pray for friends and family in similar transition. Especially, pray for my cousin Jenny and her newborn daughter needing healing. The good news is, we are loved by an incredibly faithful God.

And now, September is over.

first world problems

The Seahawks won on Monday. I don't have TV, so I didn't watch the game. Apparently there was a questionable, ambiguous call at the end. Somewhere between an interception and a touchdown. Then, the game ended.

Then, the replacement referees were the brunt of many jokes.

Then, the professional referee strike ended, because the NFL offered to meet the professional referee demands.

Seriously, America?

THIS is the breaking news story on CNN?

There are many reasons I am grateful to live in America: for example, I have the freedom to write this blog entry. I am grateful for the opportunities to worship God freely, to sleep without fear of government overthrow, to be able to run outside whenever I feel like it.

I am grateful for our freedoms. I realize the sacrifices many brave people have made to defend my freedom. But, to what extent does freedom reach? Do we NEED the freedom of well-mediated professional sport events?

So many other things happened today. But, the TV running in the coffee shop (where I'm exercising my first-world, American right to free wi-fi) is obsessed about Obama's slam on Romney's character. Isn't that what politicians do with a month left before an election?

Again I saw under the sun that the race is not won by the swift, nor the battle by the valiant, nor a livelihood by the wise, nor riches by the shrewd, nor favor by the experts; for a time of misfortune comes to all alike. Human beings no more know their own time than fish taken in the fatal net or birds trapped in the snare; like these, mortals are caught when an evil time suddenly falls upon them. -Ecclesiastes 9:11-12

The rich are wise in their own eyes, but the poor who are intelligent see through them. -Proverbs 28:11

Maybe this NFL referee strike shouldn't bother me so much. But, it does.

To me, this is the clearest example of a "first-world problem" I can imagine. Demanding the expulsion of corruption... for a sport. Pouring millions of dollars of investment into entertainment.

I am proud to be an American, but not because the strike is over.

I am first and foremost a citizen of Heaven. I highly doubt that American football will be refereed in Heaven. Consequently, I will continue to invest my resources elsewhere than NFL game tickets.

For instance, I will pay $2 for a cup of drip coffee. As an American. To ensure my right to "free" wi-fi. Hope my sarcasm is clear enough.

Hope our nation gets over itself, just like the referees finally did.

retreat is not surrender

The other day (yesterday, actually) I asked my dear friend Amanda a question:

"Have I ever been patient?"

"No," she laughed.

"I mean, have there been seasons in the eight years you've known me where I've been more patient? Or, less impatient?" I prodded, hoping the answer would be more favorable.

"You kind of just make things happen."

There is no sense in lying to Amanda or myself. I am impatient. In many ways, I have been rewarded for this impatience. Efficiency and productivity are idolized in our pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps culture. And I haven't had to pull myself very far up, even!

Raised in the comforts of middle-class America, I haven't had to wait for much. I have been blessed with employment more or less nonstop since I was 16 years old. I have been privileged to have a loving family who provided for every physical need my entire life. I am honored to have a diverse crew of friends, from many walks of life.

I don't have to wait for much.

Until now.

Living in Burkina Faso broke my patience meter. My attention span needed a converter more than my laptop needed one.

I have been back in the States for nearly two months now. Unemployed, but not unpaid. The free time should be a blessing, right?

I need to shift my paradigm. I need to stop worrying about the future and analyzing the past. I am rescued by a loving Savior, by a God with a beautifully simple but intricate plan.

In retreat, in rest, in solitude I am free to worship God in the present. Retreat and surrender don't have to be the same thing. So, as I withdraw into the mountains tomorrow I will find refuge in retreat. I won't just run away from my broken attitude. I'll bring it with me for the four hour solo car adventure. I will rest and wrestle with the pride in my heart until I apply God's peace over my entire situation.

I will surrender, but not in defeat to my "problems". No, instead I will surrender my selfishness and sin. I will carry them to the cross and leave them there.

This is the depth of the Savior's love. He whispers to us in retreat. He beckons us surrender. He loves us too much to leave us broken.

Praise God.

new journal

A new season calls for a new journal. Yes, it is almost fall (though the Northwest weather hasn't got the memo yet and no one is complaining). In life, however, this new season is the "not returning to Africa" season. I'm not sure what to make of it just yet...

Since I anticipate a lot of processing, I made a new journal. First, I went to Staples to buy one of the repurposed sugar cane comp books that I use for my classroom science notebook in other years. Then, I walked to the Jo-Ann fabrics next door to stock up on glue dots.

I went to Stanley's house to make a gluten-free lunch (per a friend's suggestion for mood stabilization) and spread out my crafting supplies across his living room. I figured the journal-making would be a mutually beneficial tool, as whatever I write in my journal will be filtered before I say it to him...

I created a few different themes: outdoor adventure, colorful pictures of other countries, black and white contrast, and calming words. What finally caught my attention was a confusingly profound verse in Isaiah:

I form light and create darkness,
I make well-being and create calamity,
I am the LORD, who does all these things
Isaiah 45:7

That verse anchors the cover of my new journal. A black and white paisley 5x5 connects the front to the back. On the back, a postcard of Allied troops storming the beaches of Normandy and a scrapbook paper license plate that reads: "in a state of shock."

I'm gearing up for a season of confusingly profound emotion. So far, I've applied for two preschool teacher positions, a newspaper editor, a private school activities coordinator, a juvenile detention officer, and a wilderness leadership program coordinator. I am concerned that I will have well too much time on my hands.

Yes, yes. I recall:

Be still
and know that I am God
Psalm 46:10

That is precisely why I need a new journal for this season.

I need space to write how I am trusting Him.

the big reveal

"he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in darkness, and the light dwells with Him." Daniel 2:22

I am learning that our decisions do not define our character, rather reveal it. Please pray for peace and wisdom. God is faithful and I know He always provides for His beloved.

I rejoice with the joy that comes in the morning.

getting healthy

My plane tickets are ready. In forty-eight hours, I should be at the airport.

But today, my body is asking to stay in bed. So, I'm trying to. Stay in bed, that is.

Oh, please pray that my body cooperates. Pray that my soul is at rest. Pray for peace and healing.

Thank you dear ones.

psalm 909

My spirit is fighting darkness
Claiming the victory of the Cross and the Crown.
I am crafted for freedom,
made to proclaim Truth from the highest mountains.
Sing, let me sing, let my soul sing.
I was designed to worship the King.
With every breath, death defeated.
With every tear, battles won.
I am the Bride of the Champion,
regaling His victory,
healing the world,
making His name great.
Good news! Good news!
Jesus purchased us with blood,
life cannot remain the same.
What hope! What peace!
We are transformed.
We are rescued, redeemed.
This is our anthem of triumph.

Praise our good and loving King.

the paradox of emotion

I experience life all too fully at the moment.

It is like seeing every facet of life for the very first time. Without a routine, there is no framework on which to hang the unexpected. Every emotion hits like a storm surge.

This evening, I watched someone on a standing paddleboard practice yoga in the middle of a lake. That seems a fitting metaphor of my current situation. Exhilirating. Taxing. Full.

Someday I will look longingly on this season. Now, my soul struggles to rest.

In the storm surge, however, I am deeply anchored. I may be tugged away in many directions, but ultimately I will not succumb to the storm.

My anchor holds.

a prayer of perspective

Lord Jesus Christ,
I approach your banquet table in fear and trembling,
for I am a sinner,
and dare not rely on my own worth,
but only on your goodness and mercy.

I am defiled by many sins in body and soul,
and by my unguarded thoughts and words.
Gracious God of majesty and awe,
I seek your protection,
I look for your healing.

Poor troubled sinner that I am,
I appeal to you, the fountain of all mercy.
I cannot bear your judgment,
but I trust in your salvation.
Lord, I show my wounds to you and uncover my shame before you.

I know my sins are many and great,
and they fill me with fear,
but I hope in your mercies,
for they cannot be numbered.

Lord Jesus Christ, eternal king, God and man,
crucified for mankind,
look upon me with mercy and hear my prayer,
for I trust in you.

Have mercy on me,
full of sorrow and sin,
for the depth of your compassion never ends.

Praise to you, saving sacrfice,
offered on the wood of the cross for me and for all mankind.
Praise to the noble and precious blood,
flowing from the wounds of the my crucified Lord Jesus Christ and washing away the sins of the whole world.

Remember, Lord your creature,
whom you have redeemed with your blood;
I repent my sins,
and I long to put right what I have done. Merciful Father, take away all my offenses and sins;
purify me in body and soul,
and make me worthy to taste the holy of holies.


May your body and blood,
which I intend to receive, although I am unworthy,
be for me the remission of my sins,
the washing away of my guilt,
the end of my evil thoughts,
and the rebirth of my better instincts.


May it incite me to do the works pleasing to you and profitable to my health in body and soul,
and be a firm defense against the wiles of my enemies. Amen.
St. Ambrose